wow. it's been a while, hasn't it? just returned from the PF - my second-to-last shift. i can still hardly believe i'm leaving this place. four years, and i'm leaving without the blink of an eye. will i change? what has changed? why now, six months after i had the first impression that i should go, why do i now find the courage to do so? i don't believe i'm running - from anything, really. am i running to something instead? i don't think so, as there's technically nothing waiting for me when i finally get there. it's December 6, a Friday night, and tomorrow i will be unemployed. why would someone choose to do that? i'm not bored. am i unfulfilled? i suppose it's faith, my friend. merely faith.
life is definitely not an adventure for me. i choose to live moderately. i take no chances, and therefore, never risk failure. i go where i think it is safe to go. i don't feel like i'm missing out on life, though, so don't get me wrong. what i'm really trying to say is baby steps, Paige. i'm taking baby steps. i can't up and move far, far away to Cali or Vegas or something like that; but i can move to SLC, where i have family, friends, familiarity. yes, i'm a chicken, and yes, i'm okay with that.
so the plan is to go to NY to visit Elton late Sunday night for a few days. get home Friday, the sister gets married Saturday, then i'm free to go wherever i want to, because i'll be without job or home or security. it will be different, but different is good.
Friday, December 6, 2002
Tuesday, November 26, 2002
Boy stuff
wow. what a life i lead. a little bit about my day today already...i broke my pants getting ready for work, my head is throbbing right now, and i spent all morning deciding whether to emboss my boss' business cards with gold foil or not. and you wonder why i'm not going to miss the job too much...
so i met Kevin Brady yesterday. who's Kevin Brady? a boy i met on the Internet a million years ago, but not in person. well, not until yesterday, anyway. he showed up at work last night (stalker, anyone? lol) and had some dinner. though painful in the beginning, the conversation ran smoothly near the end - i think he finally became more comfortable with me. he has really nice eyes, and is much better looking than i had imagined he would be. regardless, he's a wee bit late, as i'm leaving town (Dexter Freebish) in two weeks. life is begging me to deviate from the familiar, so i am.
what's funny is guys come in waves for me, and my recent waves have all been reruns. Jacob resurrects himself out of nowhere two weeks ago, Jacen emails me last week, the Kevin Brady thing last night, and an email from Kirk earlier today "just checking in to see if i'm okay." let's see...Jacob was three YEARS ago; Jacen, several months ago; Kevin the most recent; and Kirk about 20 months ago. what's this charm, this magical influence i have on the opposite sex which prevents them from ever forgetting about me? it must be the smile.
furthermore, i'm scared to death a good friend of mine may confess his undying love and affection for me. true, he almost married the roommate, but he's been acting quite strangely lately, and well, not to say too much, but similar things have happened to me recently. nothing like what i fear he'll do, but you never know. i shouldn't have given everyone my blog address. knowing there are a particular few who read this every day drastically alters what i disclose. please understand.
so i met Kevin Brady yesterday. who's Kevin Brady? a boy i met on the Internet a million years ago, but not in person. well, not until yesterday, anyway. he showed up at work last night (stalker, anyone? lol) and had some dinner. though painful in the beginning, the conversation ran smoothly near the end - i think he finally became more comfortable with me. he has really nice eyes, and is much better looking than i had imagined he would be. regardless, he's a wee bit late, as i'm leaving town (Dexter Freebish) in two weeks. life is begging me to deviate from the familiar, so i am.
what's funny is guys come in waves for me, and my recent waves have all been reruns. Jacob resurrects himself out of nowhere two weeks ago, Jacen emails me last week, the Kevin Brady thing last night, and an email from Kirk earlier today "just checking in to see if i'm okay." let's see...Jacob was three YEARS ago; Jacen, several months ago; Kevin the most recent; and Kirk about 20 months ago. what's this charm, this magical influence i have on the opposite sex which prevents them from ever forgetting about me? it must be the smile.
furthermore, i'm scared to death a good friend of mine may confess his undying love and affection for me. true, he almost married the roommate, but he's been acting quite strangely lately, and well, not to say too much, but similar things have happened to me recently. nothing like what i fear he'll do, but you never know. i shouldn't have given everyone my blog address. knowing there are a particular few who read this every day drastically alters what i disclose. please understand.
Sunday, November 24, 2002
ramblings
Sunday night and i'm on the Internet because i'm bored out of my mind. this weekend was good, but it went by too quickly. i wonder why i'm not scared out of my mind that in a matter of days, i'll no longer have income. i guess it's more like a matter of weeks, but who's counting? i actually surprise myself that i'm not more nervous about it. it looks like i'll move up to SLC the beginning of December. December 7 is my last shift at the PF. i think i should be nervous about my situation, but i'm not yet. my family is forgoing Christmas present exchange this year, which will help keep my expenses in check. last year i spent way too much, but it was fun. this year i'll only need to buy things for myself, which will consist of personal vacation time/trips. of course i'll buy some gifts for the nieces and nephew, but other than that i think i'll be selfish.
i finally finished my Friend CDs. two volumes of all my friends' favorite songs. it turned out to be quite the mix - where else can you hear Guns N' Roses followed by Prince followed by Nelly followed by Ella Fitzgerald? it's a very good mix, actually. i'm proud of myself for finally getting them done. there are some things i think of doing, get started doing them, but quit half way. like the marathon. yes, i desperately want to run my half-marathon next March, but it's just too damn cold outside. yes, i'm lazy. yes, i need more self-discipline. no, there are no excuses. yes, i promise i'll get back into it - how about first thing Wednesday morning?
when i came home from SLC this morning, i came home to a disaster area. i never would have guessed this could be my home. dishes, personal belongings, dirt and mud, filthiness all over the house. i was so sad i almost began to cry. i just cleaned the bathroom Thursday and now, three days later, it looks like it's gone for weeks without someone lifting a finger. so disappointing, and yet the disappointment carries with it a sense of satisfaction that i'll be missed when i leave here. there are a lot of things i will miss as well, but i think my eagerness to get out and embrace change has overshadowed any anxious thoughts or imaginings i have had. i guess it's just time to go, but in a constant state of conflict i am. Lord, please keep and bless me for doing something stupid just because i think it's what You want for me.
i finally finished my Friend CDs. two volumes of all my friends' favorite songs. it turned out to be quite the mix - where else can you hear Guns N' Roses followed by Prince followed by Nelly followed by Ella Fitzgerald? it's a very good mix, actually. i'm proud of myself for finally getting them done. there are some things i think of doing, get started doing them, but quit half way. like the marathon. yes, i desperately want to run my half-marathon next March, but it's just too damn cold outside. yes, i'm lazy. yes, i need more self-discipline. no, there are no excuses. yes, i promise i'll get back into it - how about first thing Wednesday morning?
when i came home from SLC this morning, i came home to a disaster area. i never would have guessed this could be my home. dishes, personal belongings, dirt and mud, filthiness all over the house. i was so sad i almost began to cry. i just cleaned the bathroom Thursday and now, three days later, it looks like it's gone for weeks without someone lifting a finger. so disappointing, and yet the disappointment carries with it a sense of satisfaction that i'll be missed when i leave here. there are a lot of things i will miss as well, but i think my eagerness to get out and embrace change has overshadowed any anxious thoughts or imaginings i have had. i guess it's just time to go, but in a constant state of conflict i am. Lord, please keep and bless me for doing something stupid just because i think it's what You want for me.
Friday, November 22, 2002
Inside myself
when i first began posting, i posted every day. i couldn't wait to get here and let it all out. but now things have changed, i'm a bit more blah in my attitude, priorities have caused my time to be spent working my way down from the top of a list. my price? a connectedness to myself, which i felt some time ago, now gone.
my last day is Tuesday, November 26, but i'll be paid through the 30th. i will also get compensated for all of the vacation time i've accrued that i never took, which will be VERY nice, because i need the cash.
the latest...i am wholly unmotivated to respond to email lately. i was really good about it for a while, now nothing. i think i've become selfish. i should stop, but for now i want to indulge myself. my selfishness brings with it a desire to free myself (since i'm unemployed as of December 1) and do some of the things i want to do before i die. Elton moved to New York for a month or so and i'd like to go visit and see another broadway show for his birthday. maybe i should get info on studying abroad and live in some Latin country for the next four months until i master Spanish. Nate said he'll go to Ecuador with me next summer, after he's done climbing in Peru. maybe i should just get a waitressing job instead of a real job for a while so i can do the Europe trip with the roomies, hit France again with Doug, vacation in Pennsylvania for a week. for some reason, i've always wanted to go to Pennsylvania. Jed is moving back to Utah in January, and we think it would be fun for me to buy a one-way ticket to Florida and road trip it back with him. imagine New Year's Eve in Orlando. i definitely need to bring in the new year with a bang this year. i'm 25, and my last few new year celebrations have absolutely sucked.
all day long yesterday i thought about Amanda. she'll be three years old one month from yesterday - December 21. what can i give her for the last birthday present she'll receive from me until we meet again, in another 15 years? what do i want my final words to be? how do i want to make my final impression? i want to make her proud. i want her to see me as happy, successful woman, confident in my decisions, comfortable with myself. but do i want to lie? i don't consider myself successful, although i am comfortable with myself. i have zero confidence in my decisions, but i'm pretty sure i'm a happy individual. i want her to know she came equipped with very capable genes - intellectual, physical, emotional and spiritual - but for all i can say to her, what will she believe? what's truth and what's wishful thinking? who am i, where am i headed, what have i accomplished? the answers to these questions are what frighten me, but what's worse is i find myself so scared of 'certain' failure that i dare not change them. this is the part where being 'frightened into mediocrity' comes into play...
my last day is Tuesday, November 26, but i'll be paid through the 30th. i will also get compensated for all of the vacation time i've accrued that i never took, which will be VERY nice, because i need the cash.
the latest...i am wholly unmotivated to respond to email lately. i was really good about it for a while, now nothing. i think i've become selfish. i should stop, but for now i want to indulge myself. my selfishness brings with it a desire to free myself (since i'm unemployed as of December 1) and do some of the things i want to do before i die. Elton moved to New York for a month or so and i'd like to go visit and see another broadway show for his birthday. maybe i should get info on studying abroad and live in some Latin country for the next four months until i master Spanish. Nate said he'll go to Ecuador with me next summer, after he's done climbing in Peru. maybe i should just get a waitressing job instead of a real job for a while so i can do the Europe trip with the roomies, hit France again with Doug, vacation in Pennsylvania for a week. for some reason, i've always wanted to go to Pennsylvania. Jed is moving back to Utah in January, and we think it would be fun for me to buy a one-way ticket to Florida and road trip it back with him. imagine New Year's Eve in Orlando. i definitely need to bring in the new year with a bang this year. i'm 25, and my last few new year celebrations have absolutely sucked.
all day long yesterday i thought about Amanda. she'll be three years old one month from yesterday - December 21. what can i give her for the last birthday present she'll receive from me until we meet again, in another 15 years? what do i want my final words to be? how do i want to make my final impression? i want to make her proud. i want her to see me as happy, successful woman, confident in my decisions, comfortable with myself. but do i want to lie? i don't consider myself successful, although i am comfortable with myself. i have zero confidence in my decisions, but i'm pretty sure i'm a happy individual. i want her to know she came equipped with very capable genes - intellectual, physical, emotional and spiritual - but for all i can say to her, what will she believe? what's truth and what's wishful thinking? who am i, where am i headed, what have i accomplished? the answers to these questions are what frighten me, but what's worse is i find myself so scared of 'certain' failure that i dare not change them. this is the part where being 'frightened into mediocrity' comes into play...
Tuesday, November 19, 2002
No job
are you wondering what happened with the job? well, here you go...
i received a phone call yesterday from Melinda of the MS Society. she informed me the board decided to hire the other girl because she a had lot more experience with PR stuff. understandable, definitely. disappointing, even more so. BUT...she also said they want me. she said they love everything about me, and they really want me. i would be perfect working with them. they really, really want me. in fact, they want me so badly, when they all get back into town after the Thanksgiving holiday, they are going to find money in their budget to make a position for me. nicey! i guess we'll see in a few weeks whether she's being serious, or just being nice to me. i hope she's being serious, and i hope they find a lot of extra money in the budget for my position.
i just got a lecture. yes, i am aware that i am leaving a great job with excellent benefits, working for wonderful people to go to...nothing. i have nothing. no solid job leads, no firm decisions. my sister-in-law, Holly, and my future roommate, Rachel, keep telling me that it'll be soooo easy to find something once i just get up there, but i'm hesitant to believe that's true. whether or not it is, however, i am definitely done with this job. my replacement began yesterday. i am pretty sure she'll be done training the end of this week, but she told me yesterday i should stay until the end of the month. i need to talk to the HR people, because if i can stay on until the end of the month, i want the money and the extra week of benefits.
i received a phone call yesterday from Melinda of the MS Society. she informed me the board decided to hire the other girl because she a had lot more experience with PR stuff. understandable, definitely. disappointing, even more so. BUT...she also said they want me. she said they love everything about me, and they really want me. i would be perfect working with them. they really, really want me. in fact, they want me so badly, when they all get back into town after the Thanksgiving holiday, they are going to find money in their budget to make a position for me. nicey! i guess we'll see in a few weeks whether she's being serious, or just being nice to me. i hope she's being serious, and i hope they find a lot of extra money in the budget for my position.
i just got a lecture. yes, i am aware that i am leaving a great job with excellent benefits, working for wonderful people to go to...nothing. i have nothing. no solid job leads, no firm decisions. my sister-in-law, Holly, and my future roommate, Rachel, keep telling me that it'll be soooo easy to find something once i just get up there, but i'm hesitant to believe that's true. whether or not it is, however, i am definitely done with this job. my replacement began yesterday. i am pretty sure she'll be done training the end of this week, but she told me yesterday i should stay until the end of the month. i need to talk to the HR people, because if i can stay on until the end of the month, i want the money and the extra week of benefits.
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