Grayson's Blessing

We blessed Grayson today. I think both Josh and I stressed ourselves out too much while preparing for it, but the meeting and family gathering afterward turned out just perfectly, so it was well worth our efforts.

Josh was impressed to say a lot of neat things when he blessed Grayson. He got the usual stuff, like good health, strong testimony of the gospel, mission, temple marriage, etc., but two things stood out to my listening ear. First, Grayson was blessed with a clear mind and the ability to learn quickly. I wouldn't have thought this would be a big deal, but when I heard it, I felt such a wave of relief run through me. I really like learning. I secretly love my college classes, even if I never reach the ultimate goal of becoming a dental hygienist and replacing Josh's income so he can take a different direction career-wise. I hope Grayson's learning ability creates an environment that will foster that same love for learning and carry him well into college so that he doesn't play catch-up the way Josh and I have since we married.

Grayson was also blessed to be a great example to both his family and friends, and was advised to remain compassionate, courteous and kind in dealing with them. I told Josh how he's already begun fulfilling this promise as we've stepped up our own efforts to welcome and keep the Spirit in our home. Both of us are quite lazy spiritually, but we've found the responsibility of raising this baby has really re-dedicated us to the Lord. I'm fairly certain we went to the temple more in the last six months of my pregnancy than we did the entire first two years we were married. I am a little worried about him needing a reminder to be nice to all of us, though. Perhaps his present gentle demeanor is all a facade and he's really going to have my temperament when he gets older. Yikes.

Poor Josh had sweat dripping down the side of his face when he sat back down after the blessing. He was so nervous! But no one noticed, and I was grateful he was willing to wait for a moment to really listen to what the Spirit was saying instead of letting his nerves rush him. We finished out the meeting with both of our testimonies and several others about the importance of family and how essential the family's role is to God's plan. I can't get over how great it is to be a mom. I just love my baby so much - it's hard to imagine life without him. In fact, I don't want to. I'm almost surprised at the level of fulfillment I've gained since having him join our family. Reading back on some of my blog posts during pregnancy, I just shake my head and wonder why I was so scared to embark on this great adventure. I can't believe he's here, and he's all mine. I can see it in his eyes that he loves me. There is no greater feeling than catching my baby's eye, seeing the recognition in his face, and getting a smile as reward. I don't even have to do anything but be there! And the greatest thing is that I am there, and he knows it. I hope he always knows it. I'm sure this is what it was like for Alison, Amanda's mom, when she adopted my little girl, and I'm so grateful I could give this feeling, this experience, to her. I thought I knew love when I had Amanda and placed her with her family, but now that I'm experiencing a different side to parenthood, I know a far deeper, unconditional love than I ever imagined possible. I'm so very happy.

I could go on and tell you how perfect the weather was for our outdoor luncheon afterward and rave about the dozens of wonderful family members that drove a long way to come support us, but instead I'll leave it as simply being one of the happiest days of my life. Here we are, back at the house. I see so much of Josh in him now. I just love it.

My eternal family

Freaking out

Josh got home around 6pm from work last night and I had baby clothes scattered throughout the house. They were everywhere. They covered the sofa and love seat, some living room floor, our bed, the baby's crib, and the kitchen table. I inherited most of them from my sister's two boys, but got some nice new stuff at my shower as well, so I washed it all yesterday in preparation for the kid's arrival. I have lots o' clothes from newborn to six months that I want to keep available because I have no idea what's going to fit our little guy when he comes. That, and some stuff looks awfully teeny for the size listed on the tag.

Anyway, Josh looked around but didn't say anything. I cleared him a spot for his laptop on the coffee table and asked him when he thought we could refinish the dresser. Turns out the paint stripper we got recommends use in temperatures between 65-85 F. It hasn't been that warm here for at least three months! So I disappointedly agreed to just use the dresser as is for right now, and we'll refinish it later when it's warmed up outside. I'm going to clean it up as best I can today, but I can't help but be so sad that it's not going to look all fresh and new for the baby. I'm still going to look for some new hardware right now, though.

About an hour later, after he was done exercising, he came into the kitchen while I was making dinner and asked me how I thought things were coming along. I asked if he was talking about baby things or if I was missing something. Yes, he was talking about baby preparation...was there anything I wanted him to be doing that he wasn't? I told him no, because there really isn't, but then I got really quiet and tried to hold back my tears.

The truth is, I'm totally freaking out about being a mother. I haven't been scared or nervous to be pregnant at all. I almost like being pregnant. I'm not scared to go into labor and have the kid, either. But being pregnant and delivering a baby are not the same as having a baby. I can do the first two - I did a great job the first time around. But I chose not to take the baby home and dress her and feed her and bathe her and burp her and get up with her in the night and sooth her when she cries. I gave that responsibility to someone that not only wanted it, but was prepared to do it. All I had to do was heal up real quick-like and drown myself in school and work.

But now, every morning, I wake up and realize that this baby is going to be born in a few weeks and instead of going home with another family, he's going to come home with me and Josh. And we're going to be responsible for everything for him. And that scares me. Then I get worried that Josh isn't as scared as I am. And then I feel guilty because I'm more scared than excited, like I won't love the baby like I'm supposed to. And then I get worried again when everyone says my motherly instincts will kick in and I'll just 'know' what to do. Because...what if they don't kick in? And it's a whirlwind of emotions that I don't like to have but I can't seem to shake them, and I feel so overwhelmed when I look at all these little clothes and I wonder why it felt like such a good decision when we decided to stop trying to prevent pregnancy.

So, in response to his question, I tell my husband these things and he patiently listens to me and brings me tissues to wipe my cheeks and blow my nose. Then he offers to give me a blessing, and I accept. And even though I cried again today recapping these feelings and events, you need to know that as he used the Priesthood to bless me with strength of spirit and comfort at this time, I felt so much love from my Heavenly Father. It was like He calmed the emotional turmoil that had been consuming me for days. He gave me a sweet, gentle, reminder that I need to spend a little more time on my knees and a little less time in my head.

I am so incredibly grateful for Josh, for his wisdom, and for his worthiness. I don't know how to explain my simple love for him, but he is probably the greatest thing to have ever happened to me. This baby and I are so lucky to have him leading our family.

My Amanda

Hey everyone.

Please know this - I'm not sad, upset, depressed, or angered over the birth of my daughter or my decision to place her for adoption. Nor am I complacent, ambivalent or nonchalant about my circumstances. My decisions and my daughter are all important parts of my past, my present and my future. I am truly a blessed individual. I am happy.

K, so there are some pics - December, 2001. That's my little girl. She's all mine. In the sombrero pic, she looks just like I did as a little girl, and I looked an awful lot like my mother when she was growing up.

I apologize if I sound morose and stricken with a heart-wrenching "Poor Pity Paige" fest every time I blog. I'm not that way in real life. Generally speaking, I'm a happy person. My great fault is emotion, however. I described myself once as feeling whatever it is I feel with all of my heart, all of the time. This means when I'm happy, I'm elated. When I'm sad, I'm hollow inside. Unfortunately, I fill my emptiness with depressing thoughts and imaginings. I'm very good at feeling sorry for myself.

I feel like I'm off track now. How can I recap the weekend's events after posting this? I will catch up with you tomorrow.

The Stakeout

hi boys and girls! you miss me during the weekends, don't you? i'm actually not even at work right now, as today is "Harvest Holiday" (aka: deer hunt) for SUU. i'm still at the brother's house in SLC - just checking the email after a morning run. i ran another three miles today, but i took two 15-20 second walks during my course. i know, i know - i need more self-discipline than that, but i wanted to walk by Amanda's house instead of run.

i walked by it twice. the front door was open a bit both times, but the outside screen door shut. i could see small handprints near the bottom of the door's window - yes! it must still be her home! the right rear door of the white Expedition (or whatever they drive) was open both times as well, so they must have been packing the car to go off somewhere. perhaps they merely forgot to close the door after coming home? i wonder what her family is doing today...

it was probably close to 9:30 am when i walked by. after seeing the doors open i couldn't resist going around the block and walking by again. i wonder if Alison saw me through the window and kept the children out of the front yard while she called LDSFS and asked if i know where they live. i doubt my counselor would tell theirs that yes, i do, and i have known since the day i placed Amanda in their arms. i have always been good about keeping my end of the bargain - never contacting them, never asking for more correspondence. why don't i? i promised not to. i gave my word that i wouldn't.

if that's the case, why do i torment myself every time i mosey up to SLC and stay with the brother that lives a mere two miles from her home? because i want to. i want to see her waddling out of the house, bundled in a pink coat and purple mittens, keeping the blustery air from her delicate skin. i want to see the towhead toddler as she skips around the driveway, Parker playing and laughing with her as they frolic in massive piles of fallen leaves, much to the dismay of their mother who just bathed each before serving them a breakfast each child left to grow cold as the golden and red leaves begged their presence outside and the temptation grew too strong to resist.

i want to see her, if only from a distance. i want to see her smile and frown, hear her laugh and wail, witness her loving and being loved. is she an older sister yet? i hope so. in a matter of months i will receive an update - the final glimpse into her growth, capabilities and present circumstances. and that's it. nothing more to anticipate. any assumptions i make concerning her after that can be neither verified nor disputed. i won't see her in a soccer uniform, tutu, or theatrical attire. i won't see pictures of her hair turning dark, as mine did throughout middle school. i won't see pictures of her at Homecoming with her first boyfriend. i won't see pictures of her high school graduation or her first car. this is something i chose to accept years ago, but until her family moves from where i know they are, i will watch from a distance and hope to catch a mere glimpse at the life she lives - the life i wanted so badly for her to have.