The Stakeout

hi boys and girls! you miss me during the weekends, don't you? i'm actually not even at work right now, as today is "Harvest Holiday" (aka: deer hunt) for SUU. i'm still at the brother's house in SLC - just checking the email after a morning run. i ran another three miles today, but i took two 15-20 second walks during my course. i know, i know - i need more self-discipline than that, but i wanted to walk by Amanda's house instead of run.

i walked by it twice. the front door was open a bit both times, but the outside screen door shut. i could see small handprints near the bottom of the door's window - yes! it must still be her home! the right rear door of the white Expedition (or whatever they drive) was open both times as well, so they must have been packing the car to go off somewhere. perhaps they merely forgot to close the door after coming home? i wonder what her family is doing today...

it was probably close to 9:30 am when i walked by. after seeing the doors open i couldn't resist going around the block and walking by again. i wonder if Alison saw me through the window and kept the children out of the front yard while she called LDSFS and asked if i know where they live. i doubt my counselor would tell theirs that yes, i do, and i have known since the day i placed Amanda in their arms. i have always been good about keeping my end of the bargain - never contacting them, never asking for more correspondence. why don't i? i promised not to. i gave my word that i wouldn't.

if that's the case, why do i torment myself every time i mosey up to SLC and stay with the brother that lives a mere two miles from her home? because i want to. i want to see her waddling out of the house, bundled in a pink coat and purple mittens, keeping the blustery air from her delicate skin. i want to see the towhead toddler as she skips around the driveway, Parker playing and laughing with her as they frolic in massive piles of fallen leaves, much to the dismay of their mother who just bathed each before serving them a breakfast each child left to grow cold as the golden and red leaves begged their presence outside and the temptation grew too strong to resist.

i want to see her, if only from a distance. i want to see her smile and frown, hear her laugh and wail, witness her loving and being loved. is she an older sister yet? i hope so. in a matter of months i will receive an update - the final glimpse into her growth, capabilities and present circumstances. and that's it. nothing more to anticipate. any assumptions i make concerning her after that can be neither verified nor disputed. i won't see her in a soccer uniform, tutu, or theatrical attire. i won't see pictures of her hair turning dark, as mine did throughout middle school. i won't see pictures of her at Homecoming with her first boyfriend. i won't see pictures of her high school graduation or her first car. this is something i chose to accept years ago, but until her family moves from where i know they are, i will watch from a distance and hope to catch a mere glimpse at the life she lives - the life i wanted so badly for her to have.