Grayson's Blessing

We blessed Grayson today. I think both Josh and I stressed ourselves out too much while preparing for it, but the meeting and family gathering afterward turned out just perfectly, so it was well worth our efforts.

Josh was impressed to say a lot of neat things when he blessed Grayson. He got the usual stuff, like good health, strong testimony of the gospel, mission, temple marriage, etc., but two things stood out to my listening ear. First, Grayson was blessed with a clear mind and the ability to learn quickly. I wouldn't have thought this would be a big deal, but when I heard it, I felt such a wave of relief run through me. I really like learning. I secretly love my college classes, even if I never reach the ultimate goal of becoming a dental hygienist and replacing Josh's income so he can take a different direction career-wise. I hope Grayson's learning ability creates an environment that will foster that same love for learning and carry him well into college so that he doesn't play catch-up the way Josh and I have since we married.

Grayson was also blessed to be a great example to both his family and friends, and was advised to remain compassionate, courteous and kind in dealing with them. I told Josh how he's already begun fulfilling this promise as we've stepped up our own efforts to welcome and keep the Spirit in our home. Both of us are quite lazy spiritually, but we've found the responsibility of raising this baby has really re-dedicated us to the Lord. I'm fairly certain we went to the temple more in the last six months of my pregnancy than we did the entire first two years we were married. I am a little worried about him needing a reminder to be nice to all of us, though. Perhaps his present gentle demeanor is all a facade and he's really going to have my temperament when he gets older. Yikes.

Poor Josh had sweat dripping down the side of his face when he sat back down after the blessing. He was so nervous! But no one noticed, and I was grateful he was willing to wait for a moment to really listen to what the Spirit was saying instead of letting his nerves rush him. We finished out the meeting with both of our testimonies and several others about the importance of family and how essential the family's role is to God's plan. I can't get over how great it is to be a mom. I just love my baby so much - it's hard to imagine life without him. In fact, I don't want to. I'm almost surprised at the level of fulfillment I've gained since having him join our family. Reading back on some of my blog posts during pregnancy, I just shake my head and wonder why I was so scared to embark on this great adventure. I can't believe he's here, and he's all mine. I can see it in his eyes that he loves me. There is no greater feeling than catching my baby's eye, seeing the recognition in his face, and getting a smile as reward. I don't even have to do anything but be there! And the greatest thing is that I am there, and he knows it. I hope he always knows it. I'm sure this is what it was like for Alison, Amanda's mom, when she adopted my little girl, and I'm so grateful I could give this feeling, this experience, to her. I thought I knew love when I had Amanda and placed her with her family, but now that I'm experiencing a different side to parenthood, I know a far deeper, unconditional love than I ever imagined possible. I'm so very happy.

I could go on and tell you how perfect the weather was for our outdoor luncheon afterward and rave about the dozens of wonderful family members that drove a long way to come support us, but instead I'll leave it as simply being one of the happiest days of my life. Here we are, back at the house. I see so much of Josh in him now. I just love it.

My eternal family

For Vanessa...

Baby belly at 26 weeks, 4 days pregnant.

All right, so I'm not huge. Believe me, I am *not* complaining (although it would be nice if my hips would widen just a little, to help keep my pants on). My breasts are bigger and I almost have a complete 'outy' belly button now, but those are the only physical changes I've had so far. Most people are surprised to learn I'm already six months along because I don't look big enough. But my weight and abdomen gain are right on and very consistent. I guess I'm just a little person that has little babies. Amanda was only 6lb, 8oz when she was born (although she did come two weeks early).

My last ob appt was November 1 and I passed my glucose and hematocrit tests with no problems. My appointments are always very boring. I did mix it up a little this time by getting a flu shot, but all that did was leave my shoulder a little sore for a few days.

Sometimes I feel bad that I have such easy pregnancies because it seems so many people I know have way more than their fair share of problems. Aside from the occasional sciatica (which is currently in remission) and daily heartburn that's easily corrected with Tums, my only complaint is how much this kid moves! I remember thinking Amanda snuck a punching bag into my tummy and was constantly practicing her roundhouse kicks when I was pregnant with her, and this one is no different. Sometimes he kicks me so hard I literally jump! Josh feels him move all the time now, which is really cool, but then it dawns on him that the baby is real and coming quickly, and he has to stop touching me before we both get freaked out about being parents.

I'd like a little feedback from all y'all about something, so if you have two cents to throw in, please do so. My doctor kept my due date at January 26 (based on ovulation) instead of February 5 (based on ultrasound measurements), but I tell everyone Feb 5 so that if he doesn't come by Jan 26, I won't be disappointed. Anyway, at my appointment on Thursday, I mentioned that I hope the baby comes early so I can avoid being super-pregnant on my birthday (February 1) and the doctor said he'd induce me before Jan 26 if I wanted him to.

At first I was a little peeved that my doc would be so cavalier about taking my baby out before he's done cooking, even though I'm the one that brought it up. But then I started thinking...if the baby doesn't come by Jan 26, maybe I *will* have the doctor induce me so I can be out of the hospital by my birthday. But I also really want the baby to come when he's good and ready - I figure Mother Nature knew what she was doing with Amanda (my water broke), so she'll know what she's doing with this one, too. It'll be the middle of winter in SLC, and I don't think he'll be a big guy, so I want to give him every opportunity to be and remain healthy when he's born, so right now I'm leaning toward waiting for him to come. But man, that temptation keeps creeping into my brain. What would you do??

Odds

Jeddy saw my Amanda at the Spaghetti Factory Friday night. The one time I leave my phone on the charger at work, I happen to miss one of the most important calls of my life. I could have been there. I would have been there. In a heartbeat. If only I hadn't forgotten my phone. If only I'd gotten back to the office and retrieved the messages earlier. I could have waited in the lounge area and tried not to stare as they left the restaurant. I could have nonchalantly scoped them out from within the restaurant walls as I nibbled on spaghetti noodles and Mizithra cheese. I could have meandered through the halls of Trolley Square until they left and then tailed them outside, watching her soft blonde hair sway back and forth as her little legs carried her out to the car.

But instead I was at a Polynesian wedding buffet of people I didn't know and cared nothing for. Instead, I sat there, holding back vomit as the woman at the table in front of mine ripped the neck from the pig's head that lay before her. Instead, I was driving Doug all over Hell's half-acre, running errands with him. Doug, my best guy friend, who could only say later, "There is no way I could ever make that up to you, Paige. I'm sorry." And he's right.

Inside myself

when i first began posting, i posted every day. i couldn't wait to get here and let it all out. but now things have changed, i'm a bit more blah in my attitude, priorities have caused my time to be spent working my way down from the top of a list. my price? a connectedness to myself, which i felt some time ago, now gone.

my last day is Tuesday, November 26, but i'll be paid through the 30th. i will also get compensated for all of the vacation time i've accrued that i never took, which will be VERY nice, because i need the cash.

the latest...i am wholly unmotivated to respond to email lately. i was really good about it for a while, now nothing. i think i've become selfish. i should stop, but for now i want to indulge myself. my selfishness brings with it a desire to free myself (since i'm unemployed as of December 1) and do some of the things i want to do before i die. Elton moved to New York for a month or so and i'd like to go visit and see another broadway show for his birthday. maybe i should get info on studying abroad and live in some Latin country for the next four months until i master Spanish. Nate said he'll go to Ecuador with me next summer, after he's done climbing in Peru. maybe i should just get a waitressing job instead of a real job for a while so i can do the Europe trip with the roomies, hit France again with Doug, vacation in Pennsylvania for a week. for some reason, i've always wanted to go to Pennsylvania. Jed is moving back to Utah in January, and we think it would be fun for me to buy a one-way ticket to Florida and road trip it back with him. imagine New Year's Eve in Orlando. i definitely need to bring in the new year with a bang this year. i'm 25, and my last few new year celebrations have absolutely sucked.

all day long yesterday i thought about Amanda. she'll be three years old one month from yesterday - December 21. what can i give her for the last birthday present she'll receive from me until we meet again, in another 15 years? what do i want my final words to be? how do i want to make my final impression? i want to make her proud. i want her to see me as happy, successful woman, confident in my decisions, comfortable with myself. but do i want to lie? i don't consider myself successful, although i am comfortable with myself. i have zero confidence in my decisions, but i'm pretty sure i'm a happy individual. i want her to know she came equipped with very capable genes - intellectual, physical, emotional and spiritual - but for all i can say to her, what will she believe? what's truth and what's wishful thinking? who am i, where am i headed, what have i accomplished? the answers to these questions are what frighten me, but what's worse is i find myself so scared of 'certain' failure that i dare not change them. this is the part where being 'frightened into mediocrity' comes into play...

My Amanda

Hey everyone.

Please know this - I'm not sad, upset, depressed, or angered over the birth of my daughter or my decision to place her for adoption. Nor am I complacent, ambivalent or nonchalant about my circumstances. My decisions and my daughter are all important parts of my past, my present and my future. I am truly a blessed individual. I am happy.

K, so there are some pics - December, 2001. That's my little girl. She's all mine. In the sombrero pic, she looks just like I did as a little girl, and I looked an awful lot like my mother when she was growing up.

I apologize if I sound morose and stricken with a heart-wrenching "Poor Pity Paige" fest every time I blog. I'm not that way in real life. Generally speaking, I'm a happy person. My great fault is emotion, however. I described myself once as feeling whatever it is I feel with all of my heart, all of the time. This means when I'm happy, I'm elated. When I'm sad, I'm hollow inside. Unfortunately, I fill my emptiness with depressing thoughts and imaginings. I'm very good at feeling sorry for myself.

I feel like I'm off track now. How can I recap the weekend's events after posting this? I will catch up with you tomorrow.

The Stakeout

hi boys and girls! you miss me during the weekends, don't you? i'm actually not even at work right now, as today is "Harvest Holiday" (aka: deer hunt) for SUU. i'm still at the brother's house in SLC - just checking the email after a morning run. i ran another three miles today, but i took two 15-20 second walks during my course. i know, i know - i need more self-discipline than that, but i wanted to walk by Amanda's house instead of run.

i walked by it twice. the front door was open a bit both times, but the outside screen door shut. i could see small handprints near the bottom of the door's window - yes! it must still be her home! the right rear door of the white Expedition (or whatever they drive) was open both times as well, so they must have been packing the car to go off somewhere. perhaps they merely forgot to close the door after coming home? i wonder what her family is doing today...

it was probably close to 9:30 am when i walked by. after seeing the doors open i couldn't resist going around the block and walking by again. i wonder if Alison saw me through the window and kept the children out of the front yard while she called LDSFS and asked if i know where they live. i doubt my counselor would tell theirs that yes, i do, and i have known since the day i placed Amanda in their arms. i have always been good about keeping my end of the bargain - never contacting them, never asking for more correspondence. why don't i? i promised not to. i gave my word that i wouldn't.

if that's the case, why do i torment myself every time i mosey up to SLC and stay with the brother that lives a mere two miles from her home? because i want to. i want to see her waddling out of the house, bundled in a pink coat and purple mittens, keeping the blustery air from her delicate skin. i want to see the towhead toddler as she skips around the driveway, Parker playing and laughing with her as they frolic in massive piles of fallen leaves, much to the dismay of their mother who just bathed each before serving them a breakfast each child left to grow cold as the golden and red leaves begged their presence outside and the temptation grew too strong to resist.

i want to see her, if only from a distance. i want to see her smile and frown, hear her laugh and wail, witness her loving and being loved. is she an older sister yet? i hope so. in a matter of months i will receive an update - the final glimpse into her growth, capabilities and present circumstances. and that's it. nothing more to anticipate. any assumptions i make concerning her after that can be neither verified nor disputed. i won't see her in a soccer uniform, tutu, or theatrical attire. i won't see pictures of her hair turning dark, as mine did throughout middle school. i won't see pictures of her at Homecoming with her first boyfriend. i won't see pictures of her high school graduation or her first car. this is something i chose to accept years ago, but until her family moves from where i know they are, i will watch from a distance and hope to catch a mere glimpse at the life she lives - the life i wanted so badly for her to have.