June recap

Before too much more time passes, there are a couple of June events I don't want to forget...

Tamsen and Eric blessed one of Grayson's new cousins, Gabriella, on June 1 (Happy Birthday, Dana!). We had a great time visiting with lots of family at a nearby park afterward. It was a little windy, but always fun to get together and pig out.

Yay for me and my party!

Special thanks to Natalie for her bundt pan Rainbow Jell-o adventure!

Josh worked in southern Utah June 5-6, so Grayson and I tagged along to see family and meet another new cousin. Grandma had a softball game June 5 and Grayson really enjoyed watching it. And like all good Grandmas, when her team was at bat and she wasn't up any time soon, she would come out to sit with us.

Caleen, Grayson, Bailey, Grandma, Me

The next day we made up a couple of sandwiches and headed to Cedar City to picnic at a local park. The wind sucked, but it was nice to see Penny's family, even if we all ended up crowding her kitchen while the flooded carpet was pulled up in the living room.

Grayson & JosephI just like this pic. I have a hunch Grayson may be the favorite.

We spent an ominous Friday the 13th at Rich and Joni's for a bbq with some southern Utah friends. Russ and Hill came up from Vegas and it's the first time we've seen them since our quick trip down there last November. Grayson also got to meet Jeff and Alicia, Kasey and Monique, Darren and Leslie, Jed and Nicole, and everyone's kiddies. There was so much to talk about and catch up on - it's always worth the hassle of gathering everyone together.

June 14th was our busy day! We woke early to set tables, cut fruit and skewer it, and stuff croissant sandwiches for Maryann's Toquerville baby shower. Tons of ladies came out to support her, which is exactly what we wanted. I tried to get 'action shots' of the party, so unfortunately I just took random pics of no one in particular. Here's one of them:
That night was the entire family's birthday present to Les Miserables at Tuacahn (thanks Mom and Dad!). Grayson did well with all the people and music (I made ear plugs out of napkins for him and I think it helped). Josh felt him relieve what he thought was gas during the performance and took him to get changed. When he came back, Grayson was naked! Turns out Grayson had had his second blowout ever, and it was a bad one. It had leaked all over Josh's shirt as well. Go figure I hadn't taken a change of clothes or any jammies for the little guy, but Penny had an extra nightgown in her bag and let us borrow it. I did have to get up and help put him to sleep later on, but I didn't mind. I got to sing 'A Heart Full of Love' to him because we were away from everybody. He loved it.

Grayson and I got to get together for girls' dinner with Chazzie, Jen, Natalie, Erika and Kristine on June 17th. It was so much fun seeing Jen's baby, eating all that delicious food, and catching up on the last couple of years. Hopefully Chazzie will help Josh and me find our dream home when the time comes!

My I.O. came for a visit and met Grayson for the first time on June 18th. It was a covert operation, but everything went smoothly, even the carpet cleaning the next day. I miss our travel memories, inside jokes, casual conversations, and daily Dave Barry quotes, but I understand it must be this way in order to keep harmony in his marriage.

We had family dinner at Don and Holly's June 22 and I took this pic in the car on the way home. Believe it or not, Grayson has two more chins under that one. So cute to look at, such a pain to clean.
The first Lake Powell trip was June 24-28 but we didn't get to go. :-( One of Josh's coworkers asked those days off before Josh had the chance, so he couldn't get the time off work. Grayson and I thought about going without him, but I wasn't confident I could make a 6-hour drive alone with a 4 1/2 month old in the back seat without killing us both, so we stayed home and pretended to get extra sleep instead. And let's face it, we needed a break! We're still bummed we missed out, but thank goodness we have another one coming so soon!

Grayson's Big Debut

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Saddy-head Grayson because we didn't put him in green.

Today marked Grayson's first real encounter with the outside world. One of my dearest friends, Alina aka: The Princess, got married at Red Butte Garden this morning. Sure, we've taken Grayson over to family's house before, but nothing like this little adventure. So far from home. All dressed up for the occasion. Needing to be on his best behavior. The pressure was really on and our little baby handled it with class! Grayson cooed at all the right moments, didn't get hungry until after the ceremony was over, napped while we ate, and obediently let complete strangers occupy our time while they made silly faces at him and raved about how adorable he is.

I think Grayson inadvertently stole some of Alina's thunder, but she didn't seem to mind, other than her mom couldn't get enough of him. I think the pressure's on for her and Chris to start producing grandkids, and quickly!

The Princess and Sassy Paige

Our little familyRefusing to smile

Week in Review

Last Sunday, Lacie came over for dinner and we had a fabulous time catching up. I don't get to see her as often as I used to since Grayson was born. I owe her an awful lot of visits and lunches when I start taking him out of the house.

Paige, Lacie, Grayson

On March 12, Jed came all the way from New York to visit! He is such a natural with kids, so I shouldn't have been surprised when he lovingly held a sleepy Grayson for over an hour while we played Treasure Hunt with Lily and ate a grilled cheese sandwich and peach for lunch. It was so great seeing him again, but I'm disappointed I didn't get to meet Chris while he was here.

Jed, Lily, Grayson

On March 13, we all went over to IMC to welcome the newest member on Josh's side of the family. Gabriella was born on March 11, but we waited a few days to visit so that Grayson would be bigger than she is. Even though he's six weeks older, they're both about 8 1/2 pounds in this photo. But he definitely doesn't look like a newborn anymore. He's changing so much!

Grayson & Gabriella

Just relaxin' with Grandpa Keith

On March 16, Grayson attended his first sacrament meeting and Josh took him home afterward so I could teach my Primary class. Grayson really seemed to enjoy the song Jesus of Nazareth, Savior and King. He loves it when Josh sings to him, but prefers actual singing with words to just humming a tune, so we've begun memorizing the words so we can sing it to him at night when he's fussy. What a lucky baby!

I'm such a shallow mother. I have purposefully avoided posting pictures of the kid on more than one occasion because he wasn't wearing cute clothes. See, I have one million and one super-cute outfits that are far too large for him - the 0-3 months clothes make him look like a drowned rat - so we've been cycling through the same four preemie/newborn size gowns since we came home from the hospital. Very blah.

So God must have felt sorry for the kid, because he sent my dear friend, Rachael, to the rescue. She brought us a slew of darling little outfits to borrow for a few weeks while Grayson puts on some weight and grows into his own clothes (cross your fingers that they'll fit before winter is over). Check out Rach's blog post on February 11 for a little trip down memory lane she recently took of her son Caleb, who was born several weeks early.

Grayson and Rach

Listening intently to Rachael's wisdom

Not buying it, though

Here's Grayson in one of Caleb's outfits. And since he's wearing pants, I put the shoes Pam gave us on as well. Too darling!

Normal(?) again

Thanks for letting me feel sorry for myself and vent a little in the last two posts. Thankfully, my spirits are way up since last time. Little did I know that while I was in the office typing off my pregnancy frustrations Sunday night, my sweet husband was in the kitchen preparing me a delicious dinner of pasta and sauce with steamed chicken and peppers. So yummy! He even did the dishes afterward, and rubbed my back when we went to bed. Such a good man I have.

Here's proof that I really *have* gotten huge in the last couple of weeks. It's not a great photo, but sometimes you just have to take pics with what's available.

Only two weeks to go!!

And even though it sounds like it, it hasn't been all bad. I drove up to Bountiful last Wednesday to meet up with my good friend, Juli, for lunch. I haven't seen her since she came down to Vegas to try out for Nashville Star in 2006. She made the first call-back on that audition, but didn't make it to the TV show. It's really too bad because she has such a beautiful voice. Anyway, here we are at her office:Then on Saturday night, Josh and I went out with my dear friend, Amanda, and her husband Tony. We did an early session at the temple (figured we'd better get one more in before the kid comes) and went to dinner afterward. It was so nice to catch up with them, and we had a fantastic evening. I didn't think to take my camera along for a photo op, so we'll have to go out with them again soon.

Finally, Lacie came over yesterday to help me recover the cushions on a glider a nice woman gave me for the nursery. I was supposed to go up to her house, but with all the snow that fell for about seven hours yesterday, there was no way my car was going to get out of the driveway. So she drove her sweet self all the way down here and spent a couple of hours keeping me sane while I was trapped inside the house. Lacie is such a good friend. I don't know what I'd do without her. The new cushion covers look sooo good! I wish I had thought to take a 'before' picture as proof, but I promise that this looks much MUCH better than the old blue material with pink specks in the pattern.
One day when it warms up, Josh is going to sand the glider down and stain it to match the dresser. Our baby's room is going to look so classy!

And I need to get the pictures from my awesome neighbors who were kind and generous enough to throw me a baby shower Saturday afternoon, even though we're so new in the area. Two women came that I hadn't even met yet! I can't believe the amount of genuine love and support that Josh and I have felt since moving back to Utah. We both just feel so blessed to have made the decision to come back, and it's nice to get that confirmation that we made a good choice.

Baby shower

Well, Josh is sick. It hit him the worst on Friday while he was traveling to and working in Dixie, but he's fallen asleep by 10pm the last couple of nights, and it seems to be helping him recover. I'm also finally on the mend, so hopefully we'll soon be rid of all the sick germs floating around our house.

Saturday morning I woke up at 4:11am to the baby's hiccups and I could not fall back asleep. The hiccups stopped at 4:48am, but I still lay there, wide awake, until well after 5am. My sleepless night left me very tired for my nutrition class Saturday morning and my baby shower that afternoon. Lots of friends and family came to support me. My mom and two sisters even left southern Utah at 8am to make it here on time, then drove back home later that afternoon. So, so, sweet are they!

Even though my energy level was down a bit, I still had a wonderful time. Here's proof:

Getting bigger! Lacie & Paige, 37 weeks pregnant My sweet mother and I

(My silly computer crashed while I was uploading photos, and I don't have them saved on Josh's computer, so I'll have to post more another time.)

Happy Birthday Josh!

And happy Valentine's Day, Father's Day, Anniversary, and Merry Christmas already, too! After giving him this elliptical for his birthday, all gifts are out for the rest of 2008. That goes for me as well. It barely fits in our bedroom, but here is the final product:(Sorry I forgot to take pics of the construction process, Chris. It didn't turn out to be too difficult to assemble. Josh had it finished in about 2.5 hours, with interruptions. And the $4 IKEA tv turner thing is perfect!)

Josh turns 34 today and in exactly four weeks I'll officially be '30-something' but we're not freaking out just yet. You know how it goes... When you're 18, 30 sounds old. When you're 25, 40 sounds old. But by the time you hit 30+, 50 seems fairly young. Even my 60+ parents don't seem 'old.' My parents still go camping, water-ski, ride Harleys, and work full-time, so it might just be that they're not the norm, but they get the senior discount wherever they go, so they're obviously getting up there.

We got to meet Deidra and see Chris again when we went to dinner with them two nights ago. A good friend of theirs was playing at Gepetto's, and they were kind enough to invite us along. I loved the atmosphere and Bianca's voice, and really enjoyed getting to know Deidra better. They went to the Jazz game that night, then came down to Riverton and spent the night in our spare bedroom. We got to hang out a little yesterday before they headed back to Logan. Let me tell you...Chris is the perfect guy to have around when you forget to pick up a shopping cart at IKEA or need help unloading a 300-pound elliptical from the back of your minivan! It was great having them over and visiting with them.

In the meantime, new beginnings surround me and I'm wondering why I'm not more stressed out. I start a Nutrition class at UVSC tomorrow at 8am, get a HUGE new Primary class Sunday, and we're going to have a baby in about a month. I feel like I should be freaking out right about now, but I'm not. I don't know if that's a good sign that I'm handling my stress well, or a bad sign that I'm dealing with stress by not acknowledging it at all. I guess we'll see. For now, all I can say with certainty is that I'm not looking forward to driving down to Orem tomorrow morning after tonight's snowstorm. Ugh.

New Year's recap

We spent New Year's Eve at Don & Holly's this year. We've almost spent more time at Don & Holly's the last few days than our own home because my folks came up Dec 29 for the long weekend. We all got together Saturday night for tacos and a late Christmas party (which really meant my folks brought up the northern Utah kids' and grandkids' presents, as we'd already given them theirs in time for Christmas morning). Anyway, my silly mother was adamant that she wasn't going to spoil anyone this year, then went ahead and did it anyway. She gave us all pajama pants, warm socks, a very generous Costco gift card, and the gift of Mexican Train dominoes - complete with instructions, a sack of plastic 'pennies,' a Double Fifteen Dominoes set, and a hand-painted board to keep everyone's trains on track. It was awesome. My mom is so cute.

My parents came to church with us Sunday morning, then we all trucked back up to Don & Holly's for a Heaps family dinner and games with Isaac & Shama before they went back to Texas. Shama and I pulled out a narrow victory over Josh and Mom at Hand & Foot, then totally bombed a round of Golf, go figure.

We stayed up way too late Saturday and Sunday nights, and my body doesn't know how to sleep in, so I wasn't too surprised that my throat was a little tender yesterday morning when I got up. My doc said some extra Zinc and Vitamin C are safe at this stage of my pregnancy, so I'm hoping to thwart off any illness that may be coming on. I did a little shopping with my mom and Holly while Josh worked, and got some great deals at Target on their closeout holiday decorations. I also swung by Deseret Book and picked up Our Gift, a super-cute Willow Tree wooden statue of a couple holding their baby. I can't wait to display it in the baby's room when it's all set up. Then my mom surprised me with a swing for an early baby-shower gift - nicey! I feel like we're really moving along on getting things ready for the little guy, and I'm so grateful for all the things we've been given to help us prepare for his arrival.

Josh and I went back up to Don & Holly's to ring in the new year with everyone. We played plenty more games (of which I only won Mormon Bridge), ate lots of food, and had ourselves a ball. Holly set Hailey's tent up in the living room for a giant slumber party and all the kiddies rang in the new year at 10pm so they could get to bed. Both Maryann and I (the pregnant chicks) were jealous that they got to go to sleep and we had to wait until the real midnight - I started yawning at 9:30pm! But I somehow made it all the way to midnight and gave my Joshey a kiss to welcome 2008. It was a lot more fun than watching Dick Clark in Vegas last year (we were too scared of drunk drivers to go any further than the couch in our living room).

Christmas recap

Josh and I spent Christmas in northern Utah this year, since we spent Thanksgiving with my family in southern Utah. His family Christmas party was Friday, Dec 21, so we spent this Christmas morning without any fanfare. We slept in until after 8am, then Josh finally got up to shovel the "White Christmas" driveway and sidewalks while I made us breakfast. Josh got me a Presto Professional Salad Shooter for Christmas this year, but let me open it early to make au gratin potatoes for the non-denominational holiday feast we shared at Lacie's Christmas Eve, so I used it to make homemade hashbrowns. They were so yummy! We feasted on potatoes, scrambled eggs with cheese and salsa, raspberry muffins and hot chocolate. It was so nice to sit down and enjoy a hearty breakfast together. I can't remember the last time we were able to enjoy a morning together like that.

Santa didn't quite make it to our house this year, and in addition to my Presto, we already bought and installed flat screen computer monitors and this headboard for Christmas, so we weren't expecting to have many gifts waiting under the tree. We were so wrong! Maryann's family gave us Blokus, Josh's folks generously gave us "Dinner & a Movie", Nate & Holly gave us the Scene It? movie trivia game, Penny sent up a beautiful Christmas plaque, Duane & Amanda sent up a super-cute photo calendar set, and Holly gave us a book of her family's top recipes. We totally made out like bandits! We felt so loved. The spirit of Christmas filled our home and we felt all warm and tingly inside.

We spent part of the afternoon visiting at Josh's folks' house, then on to Gary & Wendy's to visit with the Heaps family, and finished the day off at Jon & Maryann's where I got to put together a huge fire engine puzzle with Riley, Preston, Hailey and Hunter. It was such a beautiful day and I loved every minute of it. It was the perfect Christmas.

Forgotten Carols

After having him around so much the last little while, I've been missing Josh this week. After working late at Utah Valley Tuesday night, he flew down to St. George early Wednesday morning to fix a problem at Dixie. He flew back late that evening, but was up and at 'em again early yesterday and didn't make it home before I left at 7pm to go see The Forgotten Carols for girls' night out.

Last night was the third time I've seen Michael McLean's Christmas production, and it was incredible. While I don't think the Cottonwood High venue is the nicest I've been in, last night's show was perfect. I had never heard of Jordan Bluth before, but wow, what a voice! I had to look up his name in the program about 30 seconds after he began singing, his voice was so striking. His tone is quite rich and powerful - I could easily listen to him all day. I also really liked Kelly Shepardson's voice (Connie Lou) and Michael's wife, Lynne, sang the absolutely beautiful song of Sarah in the maternity ward. It's hard to choose a favorite song out of The Forgotten Carols, but that one will always be in my top three.

Anyway, Josh and I are hoping to spend some quality time together tonight before 10pm rolls around and I'm too tired to make it through the news. We'll probably just hit up RedBox and watch a video as we snuggle by the fireplace after dinner. There are several movies we always intended to see, but never got around to. Shrek 3, We Are Marshall, 300, Superbad, Surf's Up, and Premonition are all currently available. Any recommendations?

Vacation highlights

We finally returned from our 2-week excursion all over Hell's half-acre during the end of November. Here are some highlights (in no particular order):

• Pam's homemade black forest banana cream pie
• The new kid-sized 4-wheelers and all the crashing and dirt that ensued
• Cards, cards, and more cards - including a magical win for Josh and I at hand and foot!
• Seeing my father sealed to his parents
• Zeno, Sapheneous, and Milo - my ancestors
• Maryann's pregnancy announcement over dinner
• Grandma's reaction to said announcement
• Don's Lake Powell response
• Target's rain check and our new monitors
• Family Flag Football
• Dice with Dennis and Raleigh
• Finally seeing Bourne Ultimatum at the dollar show
• Staying up 'til 2am with Russ and Hill
• Lots o' rain in Las Vegas - it never poured like that while we lived there!
• Inheriting a crib, dresser, Boppy, and Moses basket for the coming addition
• Coming up with a name (but we're not telling anyone what it is)
• Family pictures!
  
• Jon Schmidt at Tuacahn, even though it almost rained out
• Hot chocolate that made the concert bearable
• Emily's blessing and the party afterward
• Perfect weather for driving home with a trailer carrying all our junk

All the pics are still in southern Utah on my Mom's camera and computer, so I've no proof that we had a great time. You'll just have to take my word for it.

Girls' Night

We finally had another girls' night October 5. It's been much too long since we all got together, and we had a fantastic time. We celebrated Rach and Danielle's birthdays by going to Mimi's Cafe for dinner, then heading up to Holly's for cake, ice cream and lots of chit-chat. I stayed up way too late of course, but couldn't have had more fun. At times like these, I am so happy to be back in Utah, even though it's been really rainy and cold. I just hope more of us can make it to December's outing!

Maryann, Patsi, Holly
Rachael, Paige, Christy

In other great news, all my plants and paintings made it safely up here from my folks' house this weekend. My peace lily, prayer plants, and baby rubber plant obviously suffered from a lack of regular watering, and my philodendron and dumb canes were never rotated while in my mother's care, but a little trimming, replanting, water, and open blinds has already helped so much. I'm just grateful my mom was willing to take on the task of plant-sitting for the last month. Home just wasn't home without 'em.

And the packing begins.

Katie and Bronson left me yesterday. Even though I got to sleep without socks and pj's on last night, and now I don't have to feel guilty for keeping the a/c above 80 degrees, I was sad when Bronson wasn't there to greet me this morning. I'm gonna miss that little boy. I'm so pleased it was *my* stairs he learned to climb. It's like I got to make a permanent mark in his ever-changing world.

Today is supposed to be my first official "get serious about packing up to move" day, and all I've accomplished so far is washed two loads of laundry and read up on everyone's blogs. But the packing will resume soon, very soon. I'm going to repack the guest bedroom and bath first, then do the up- and downstairs closets. There are 5-6 boxes in the garage on shelves that I want to go through before I relocate them to the "ready for moving" side of the garage, and then I'll start boxing up the kitchen dishes I don't use often. I have a lot of bedding, cleaning supplies, house plants, and misc items to freecycle, so those should be gone in the next few days, and I started one bag of clothes for the Big Brother, Big Sister dropoff last night.

I'm so grateful I have these next two weeks to take some time to go through everything and not drag it all up to Utah with me. I'd go crazy if I had to sift through all of this stuff before I could settle into my new home.

Mini-vaycay

Saturday evening, Josh and I went to St. George to attend a surprise birthday party one of his favorite Dixie IHC coworkers threw for his wife. There was a dreamy chocolate fountain, the surprise was a success and it was fun to meet new people. And it just so happened an old friend of mine was the DJ for the party! I haven't seen Lex for about eight years (although the occasional 'update' email has been exchanged between us) and I had a great time catching up with him.

But the highlight of our little trip was that Gregg (the party-thrower) had gotten rooms at the new Marriott for some birthday guests that came up from California. We had planned to drive back down to Vegas after the party, but Gregg mentioned that one couple didn't make the trip, and would we be interested in staying in their room? Heck yes! Sleeping in a bed is much better than falling asleep in the car on the drive home, leaving Josh alone with the BBC news on NPR. We went to Target and got some toiletries then went back to the hotel and had ourselves a mini-vacation. That one night of luxury was sooooo nice. We slept in Sunday morning, had a delicious hot breakfast, and then drove home. It was lovely.

Lake Powell

The Lake Powell trips for 2007 have begun! Because of my school schedule, we can only go out for Friday and Saturday, but it's a lovely vacation regardless.

A couple of daisy floaties in action!

Riley took a picture of me and Josh,
so Ashley asked if she could also take a picture of us.
Then Josh took a picture of me and Riley, complete with Ashley's smudge marks on the lens.
Maryann and Jon brought this giant rafty-thing.
Josh played lots of volleyball all weekend and got really tan!
I played cards on the beach (I guess I needed a nap!),
and watched the kiddies make dirt roads and sand cakes (yummy!).
Lake Powell makes us so happy!

Wedding Bells

Jamie got married on Saturday. My lifelong friend and debate partner finally tied the knot! The ceremony was beautiful and the reception rocked, but mostly she and Chad looked so happy together that it melted my heart. I am so excited for her and wish her a lifetime of marital bliss! Josh and I at the dinner reception. The reception was at The Point, and for those of you that know, the view from way up there is breath-taking, but none of my pictures did it justice.As fun as the wedding and reception were, the real party started back at Don's house, when I got to play with some of 'my kids'. I love these rascals, even when they don't "touch me a little more softly" - you sick woman, Rach!

Odds

Jeddy saw my Amanda at the Spaghetti Factory Friday night. The one time I leave my phone on the charger at work, I happen to miss one of the most important calls of my life. I could have been there. I would have been there. In a heartbeat. If only I hadn't forgotten my phone. If only I'd gotten back to the office and retrieved the messages earlier. I could have waited in the lounge area and tried not to stare as they left the restaurant. I could have nonchalantly scoped them out from within the restaurant walls as I nibbled on spaghetti noodles and Mizithra cheese. I could have meandered through the halls of Trolley Square until they left and then tailed them outside, watching her soft blonde hair sway back and forth as her little legs carried her out to the car.

But instead I was at a Polynesian wedding buffet of people I didn't know and cared nothing for. Instead, I sat there, holding back vomit as the woman at the table in front of mine ripped the neck from the pig's head that lay before her. Instead, I was driving Doug all over Hell's half-acre, running errands with him. Doug, my best guy friend, who could only say later, "There is no way I could ever make that up to you, Paige. I'm sorry." And he's right.

Inside myself

when i first began posting, i posted every day. i couldn't wait to get here and let it all out. but now things have changed, i'm a bit more blah in my attitude, priorities have caused my time to be spent working my way down from the top of a list. my price? a connectedness to myself, which i felt some time ago, now gone.

my last day is Tuesday, November 26, but i'll be paid through the 30th. i will also get compensated for all of the vacation time i've accrued that i never took, which will be VERY nice, because i need the cash.

the latest...i am wholly unmotivated to respond to email lately. i was really good about it for a while, now nothing. i think i've become selfish. i should stop, but for now i want to indulge myself. my selfishness brings with it a desire to free myself (since i'm unemployed as of December 1) and do some of the things i want to do before i die. Elton moved to New York for a month or so and i'd like to go visit and see another broadway show for his birthday. maybe i should get info on studying abroad and live in some Latin country for the next four months until i master Spanish. Nate said he'll go to Ecuador with me next summer, after he's done climbing in Peru. maybe i should just get a waitressing job instead of a real job for a while so i can do the Europe trip with the roomies, hit France again with Doug, vacation in Pennsylvania for a week. for some reason, i've always wanted to go to Pennsylvania. Jed is moving back to Utah in January, and we think it would be fun for me to buy a one-way ticket to Florida and road trip it back with him. imagine New Year's Eve in Orlando. i definitely need to bring in the new year with a bang this year. i'm 25, and my last few new year celebrations have absolutely sucked.

all day long yesterday i thought about Amanda. she'll be three years old one month from yesterday - December 21. what can i give her for the last birthday present she'll receive from me until we meet again, in another 15 years? what do i want my final words to be? how do i want to make my final impression? i want to make her proud. i want her to see me as happy, successful woman, confident in my decisions, comfortable with myself. but do i want to lie? i don't consider myself successful, although i am comfortable with myself. i have zero confidence in my decisions, but i'm pretty sure i'm a happy individual. i want her to know she came equipped with very capable genes - intellectual, physical, emotional and spiritual - but for all i can say to her, what will she believe? what's truth and what's wishful thinking? who am i, where am i headed, what have i accomplished? the answers to these questions are what frighten me, but what's worse is i find myself so scared of 'certain' failure that i dare not change them. this is the part where being 'frightened into mediocrity' comes into play...