Grayson's Blessing

We blessed Grayson today. I think both Josh and I stressed ourselves out too much while preparing for it, but the meeting and family gathering afterward turned out just perfectly, so it was well worth our efforts.

Josh was impressed to say a lot of neat things when he blessed Grayson. He got the usual stuff, like good health, strong testimony of the gospel, mission, temple marriage, etc., but two things stood out to my listening ear. First, Grayson was blessed with a clear mind and the ability to learn quickly. I wouldn't have thought this would be a big deal, but when I heard it, I felt such a wave of relief run through me. I really like learning. I secretly love my college classes, even if I never reach the ultimate goal of becoming a dental hygienist and replacing Josh's income so he can take a different direction career-wise. I hope Grayson's learning ability creates an environment that will foster that same love for learning and carry him well into college so that he doesn't play catch-up the way Josh and I have since we married.

Grayson was also blessed to be a great example to both his family and friends, and was advised to remain compassionate, courteous and kind in dealing with them. I told Josh how he's already begun fulfilling this promise as we've stepped up our own efforts to welcome and keep the Spirit in our home. Both of us are quite lazy spiritually, but we've found the responsibility of raising this baby has really re-dedicated us to the Lord. I'm fairly certain we went to the temple more in the last six months of my pregnancy than we did the entire first two years we were married. I am a little worried about him needing a reminder to be nice to all of us, though. Perhaps his present gentle demeanor is all a facade and he's really going to have my temperament when he gets older. Yikes.

Poor Josh had sweat dripping down the side of his face when he sat back down after the blessing. He was so nervous! But no one noticed, and I was grateful he was willing to wait for a moment to really listen to what the Spirit was saying instead of letting his nerves rush him. We finished out the meeting with both of our testimonies and several others about the importance of family and how essential the family's role is to God's plan. I can't get over how great it is to be a mom. I just love my baby so much - it's hard to imagine life without him. In fact, I don't want to. I'm almost surprised at the level of fulfillment I've gained since having him join our family. Reading back on some of my blog posts during pregnancy, I just shake my head and wonder why I was so scared to embark on this great adventure. I can't believe he's here, and he's all mine. I can see it in his eyes that he loves me. There is no greater feeling than catching my baby's eye, seeing the recognition in his face, and getting a smile as reward. I don't even have to do anything but be there! And the greatest thing is that I am there, and he knows it. I hope he always knows it. I'm sure this is what it was like for Alison, Amanda's mom, when she adopted my little girl, and I'm so grateful I could give this feeling, this experience, to her. I thought I knew love when I had Amanda and placed her with her family, but now that I'm experiencing a different side to parenthood, I know a far deeper, unconditional love than I ever imagined possible. I'm so very happy.

I could go on and tell you how perfect the weather was for our outdoor luncheon afterward and rave about the dozens of wonderful family members that drove a long way to come support us, but instead I'll leave it as simply being one of the happiest days of my life. Here we are, back at the house. I see so much of Josh in him now. I just love it.

My eternal family

Negative Nelly

I hate that my last post has spent so much time at the top of my blog, but I haven't had much to write about this week. I'm not usually that negative - I was just stressed out. I had just spent the entire week without Josh around to give me a Grayson break, and in the meantime I was studying for my nutrition final and preparing for my very first sharing time. Wouldn't you know my Primary partner went out of town last Saturday and she won't be back until May 10? So it was just me and the kiddos during Primary, and I have a couple that frequently misbehave. You can imagine how sharing time went, let alone our class lesson afterward. Top that off with home teachers that never showed up, Josh telling me about the boys in his Teachers class that don't know how to read, and a fellow ward member telling me that of all people, I should understand how hard it is to get back on your feet after having a baby. Excuse me? I had a baby on Saturday, came home Monday afternoon, and my husband went back to work full-time Wednesday morning. Don't tell *me* what I should understand. I didn't get coddled at all and definitely didn't need to be. Ugh! I just had to vent. And the worst part is it's pissing me off again just thinking about it.

Okay, time to change the subject...

Grayson will be graduating to his own room on his 3-month birthday this week! Well, that's only if I finish moving his clothes and other baby items out of our room into his on time, which should be no problem. And Josh has to spray for bugs before he moves in as well. The only thing worse than a spider in my room is one in my baby's room. And before you accuse me of being paranoid, here's a picture of the roommate I had to throw out of Grayson's room a mere nine days ago:
Ugh. I seriously loathe spiders. And those are the wall corners where the crib sits! The good news is that since there was no baby to harm with chemicals, I sprayed that sucker dead with my favorite spider-killer-spray:Yep, Hot Shot Spider Killer. This is the best spider-killer ever. This stuff plus OxiClean Baby make me a happy mommy.

I don't get people

I don't understand why people who can't take care of themselves decide to have kids. And I don't understand why some people do have kids and then don't invest in them. You need to give yourself to your kids. Spend time with them. Talk to them. Cook for them. Read to them. For heaven's sake, at least keep them bathed and in clean clothes. If you don't have the time or the money to raise your children, why are you having them? There is nothing wrong with waiting to be ready to have children. Why is that so difficult to recognize?

And I really don't understand some Mormons. I don't understand why they don't show up on time for home teaching visits, especially when they schedule it before dinnertime. And I don't understand why so many count on the church to teach their children what acceptable behavior is. Parents, you have an entire future to shape, for better or for worse. Please put a little effort into making it the former.

By the way... Virginia Tech thoughts

I don’t know why Virginia Tech has affected me so. I have never lived there, I have never known anyone to attend school there, and I didn’t know any of the victims or their families. But that hasn’t stopped me from spending the last three days pouring over online articles and readers’ comments until 2am. My seeming ‘removal’ from the situation failed to prevent an onslaught of tears as I tried so desperately to comprehend the horror I’ve seen plastered on my computer screen.

It seems to me there must be something wrong with the American lifestyle, something we need to fix. There must be angry, suicidal people in other countries, but why don't they go on shooting rampages? Are Americans more aggressive? More culturally diverse? Does America have too many minorities or not enough? Is it something Americans eat, listen to, or watch? Why has our patience run so thin? What "sets off" this American tradition of violence?

Is it pride? Americans are great at "knowing" their way is the absolute best, and even better at cutting down anyone who thinks/looks/believes/drives/votes/eats/lives/works differently. I'm not talking about America v. other countries - I'm talking about Americans v. other Americans. There's an overwhelming lack of acceptance for one another and when we don't accept each other, we certainly can't respect or love them.

*sigh*

Is this just the way it’s going to be? My greatest fear is there’s not only more, but much worse, to come. Current or future gun laws can't win this battle. The Virginia Tech shooter bought his guns legally, anyway. Anti-gun rhetoric says to eliminate gun purchases, enforce more gun control. I say someone that is willing to plan out a revenge like this one is also willing to obtain any weapon possible by which to carry it out. Pro-gun rhetoric says that if the victims had been armed they could have stopped the shooter before he did more harm. I say that the numbers don’t add up. On a campus of 25,000 people, only a few hundred may have encountered the shooter’s path that day – let’s say one percent. For only five of those people to have been armed, you’d have to arm another 495 people on the rest of the campus. That’s a lot of random people roaming the campus with guns. I doubt the increased risk of accident would be worth it.

Josh and I have wondered at times if we should arm ourselves against the outside world. We don’t live in a bad part of town, but we’ve had our fair share of sketchy neighbors. We’ve gone back and forth and back again several times over and only now, after days of sadness, horror, and unbelief, have we made a decision. As for me and my house, we will not own a gun. Josh can go shooting with his friends if he wants (as long as he wears ear protection) but he won’t bring a gun into our home. People have asked why we don’t want to protect ourselves, but I wonder exactly from whom do we need protection? We aren’t members of a gang, and we don’t use or sell drugs, so who exactly would be out to get us? Why have we let the media instill such a fear of the extraordinary that we let that fear govern our ordinary lives? I attended classes the same day the Virginia Tech students were killed. In fact, hundreds of thousands of students attended college classes across the United States and were not shot while doing so. While the shooting was tragic, we have to remember it wasn’t normal, and there is no way to ‘protect’ ourselves from every possible, yet unlikely, harm.

So that is our decision. We will teach our children not to touch guns or play with them, but knowing that children are curious and don’t always do exactly as told, we won’t tempt them by bringing one into our home. The increased risk of having a gun-related accident in our home far outweighs any harm that may or may not materialize, regardless what the media tells us.

Way back when...

I kept an intermittent blog on xanga.com a few years back, and thought to update it today with my thoughts about and reaction to the Virginia Tech shooting rampage. I heard this site is more user-friendly, though, so I decided to join ranks here instead and try to keep all y'all updated on some impending changes to my life.

UPDATE:
I just disovered blogger will let me change the dates of my posts, so I'm going to copy all the posts I had on xanga onto this site. It will be a fairly complete journal except for the entries I have on my hard drive, English notebook, and travel journal. How exciting!

unhappy

I've been depressed the last while. Something is wrong with my emotional state - something beyond my control. I would fault my birth control, but I think that's a copout.

emotional reactions

Have all y'all ever wanted to live an emotionless life? For as high as I can occasionally get, each moment is dampened with the fear that there is a low just around the corner waiting for me to unknowingly and unsuspectingly venture through the doorway. Actually, I guess I neither unknowingly nor unsuspectingly venture through the doorway if I know what's awaiting my arrival, now do I? If that's the case, why bother going through the door at all? Is that what drives people to commit suicide? Are they just cowards, unable to embrace their fate? Are they merely avoiding the inevitable chain linking the experiences and feelings that create their existence in the first place? Is that all life is made of? Circumstance, emotion, and reaction?

Bye-bye, Brother

It's weird how long it's been since I've written. Written anything. Anything anywhere. I guess I did jot down a few notes here and there while I was in Hawaii last week, but nothing too profound. It's incredible where life takes us; how much it changes us without our even realizing it. We preoccupy ourselves, searching for the very things that envelope and change us while we're oblivious to their immediate presence. When will we learn to pay attention?

I presently sit in front of a computer at a desk littered with notes about various customers and their internet problems. There's a note on my monitor reminding me to call my dear friend and congratulate her on the birth of her baby girl. The note is several months old. I'm quietly playing a self-created mix of Jon Schmidt music on my DVD-rom and enjoy the flirtatious tones wafting through the air. My Dave Barry desk calendar graces the top of my desk, placed next to the photograph of my family before Penny married Greg. Behind the calendar is a picture of my Amanda in the straw hat and blue outfit and a picture of Cade, Aubrey and Ashley all pulling funny faces.

To my right is a wall, complete with hanging calendar and corkboard. The corkboard holds pictures of my new nephew and a former coworker and I. There's also the company phone list, the employee birthday list, and the map of our APs and distances we can service. I have cut and pasted on the corkboard the obituary for Faith Kathleen Montgomery - my dear friend, Jed's, only niece. She came into this world and left it again less than 24 hours later. The obituary hangs next to a picture of me and my dead brother, playing "family" with a nephew and two nieces at my other brother's wedding two years ago.

I miss him.

I spoke at Dana's funeral. He died on July 9 2003 in a car wreck. They say that when he flew out of the Jeep and hit the ground, he broke his neck and immediately died. Is it good he didn't "suffer" if it means his survivors were robbed of the opportunity to say one last goodbye? To give him one last kiss? To tell him one last joke? I wonder what he thought as he hurtled toward the ground - or if he was even capable of thinking. I wonder if it even dawned on him when the trailer started jacking around behind the Jeep that it could ultimately cause his death. I wonder if he was as relieved as I that no one else was on the road; that no one else was involved or hurt in the accident.

I wonder if God let him watch as my parents pulled up behind the wreck and saw him on the ground. I wonder if he watched and heard as my father called my sister-in-law to let her know that morning's kiss would be her last from her dear husband. I wonder if he watched, heard, and cried when my daddy called me to tell me the sibling I held closest to me had passed away an hour earlier and some 300+ miles away, leaving me stuck in Salt Lake City, powerless to comfort and unable to be comforted. I wonder if Dana hears me every night as I'm saying my prayers, begging God to let me be with him again one day.

My brother is a good man. It's no wonder God couldn't wait to have him back. Does that make God selfish? Perhaps...but I don't think so. I think it means God teaches us some lessons the hard way.

i doubt anyone reads this anymore, but i have to say something. life scares me. my choices scare me. i am never confident enough in what i do that i'm doing what's good and right for me.

Inside myself

when i first began posting, i posted every day. i couldn't wait to get here and let it all out. but now things have changed, i'm a bit more blah in my attitude, priorities have caused my time to be spent working my way down from the top of a list. my price? a connectedness to myself, which i felt some time ago, now gone.

my last day is Tuesday, November 26, but i'll be paid through the 30th. i will also get compensated for all of the vacation time i've accrued that i never took, which will be VERY nice, because i need the cash.

the latest...i am wholly unmotivated to respond to email lately. i was really good about it for a while, now nothing. i think i've become selfish. i should stop, but for now i want to indulge myself. my selfishness brings with it a desire to free myself (since i'm unemployed as of December 1) and do some of the things i want to do before i die. Elton moved to New York for a month or so and i'd like to go visit and see another broadway show for his birthday. maybe i should get info on studying abroad and live in some Latin country for the next four months until i master Spanish. Nate said he'll go to Ecuador with me next summer, after he's done climbing in Peru. maybe i should just get a waitressing job instead of a real job for a while so i can do the Europe trip with the roomies, hit France again with Doug, vacation in Pennsylvania for a week. for some reason, i've always wanted to go to Pennsylvania. Jed is moving back to Utah in January, and we think it would be fun for me to buy a one-way ticket to Florida and road trip it back with him. imagine New Year's Eve in Orlando. i definitely need to bring in the new year with a bang this year. i'm 25, and my last few new year celebrations have absolutely sucked.

all day long yesterday i thought about Amanda. she'll be three years old one month from yesterday - December 21. what can i give her for the last birthday present she'll receive from me until we meet again, in another 15 years? what do i want my final words to be? how do i want to make my final impression? i want to make her proud. i want her to see me as happy, successful woman, confident in my decisions, comfortable with myself. but do i want to lie? i don't consider myself successful, although i am comfortable with myself. i have zero confidence in my decisions, but i'm pretty sure i'm a happy individual. i want her to know she came equipped with very capable genes - intellectual, physical, emotional and spiritual - but for all i can say to her, what will she believe? what's truth and what's wishful thinking? who am i, where am i headed, what have i accomplished? the answers to these questions are what frighten me, but what's worse is i find myself so scared of 'certain' failure that i dare not change them. this is the part where being 'frightened into mediocrity' comes into play...