Friday, December 6, 2002

Chicken? No thanks.

wow. it's been a while, hasn't it? just returned from the PF - my second-to-last shift. i can still hardly believe i'm leaving this place. four years, and i'm leaving without the blink of an eye. will i change? what has changed? why now, six months after i had the first impression that i should go, why do i now find the courage to do so? i don't believe i'm running - from anything, really. am i running to something instead? i don't think so, as there's technically nothing waiting for me when i finally get there. it's December 6, a Friday night, and tomorrow i will be unemployed. why would someone choose to do that? i'm not bored. am i unfulfilled? i suppose it's faith, my friend. merely faith.

life is definitely not an adventure for me. i choose to live moderately. i take no chances, and therefore, never risk failure. i go where i think it is safe to go. i don't feel like i'm missing out on life, though, so don't get me wrong. what i'm really trying to say is baby steps, Paige. i'm taking baby steps. i can't up and move far, far away to Cali or Vegas or something like that; but i can move to SLC, where i have family, friends, familiarity. yes, i'm a chicken, and yes, i'm okay with that.

so the plan is to go to NY to visit Elton late Sunday night for a few days. get home Friday, the sister gets married Saturday, then i'm free to go wherever i want to, because i'll be without job or home or security. it will be different, but different is good.

Tuesday, November 26, 2002

Boy stuff

wow. what a life i lead. a little bit about my day today already...i broke my pants getting ready for work, my head is throbbing right now, and i spent all morning deciding whether to emboss my boss' business cards with gold foil or not. and you wonder why i'm not going to miss the job too much...

so i met Kevin Brady yesterday. who's Kevin Brady? a boy i met on the Internet a million years ago, but not in person. well, not until yesterday, anyway. he showed up at work last night (stalker, anyone? lol) and had some dinner. though painful in the beginning, the conversation ran smoothly near the end - i think he finally became more comfortable with me. he has really nice eyes, and is much better looking than i had imagined he would be. regardless, he's a wee bit late, as i'm leaving town (Dexter Freebish) in two weeks. life is begging me to deviate from the familiar, so i am.

what's funny is guys come in waves for me, and my recent waves have all been reruns. Jacob resurrects himself out of nowhere two weeks ago, Jacen emails me last week, the Kevin Brady thing last night, and an email from Kirk earlier today "just checking in to see if i'm okay." let's see...Jacob was three YEARS ago; Jacen, several months ago; Kevin the most recent; and Kirk about 20 months ago. what's this charm, this magical influence i have on the opposite sex which prevents them from ever forgetting about me? it must be the smile.

furthermore, i'm scared to death a good friend of mine may confess his undying love and affection for me. true, he almost married the roommate, but he's been acting quite strangely lately, and well, not to say too much, but similar things have happened to me recently. nothing like what i fear he'll do, but you never know. i shouldn't have given everyone my blog address. knowing there are a particular few who read this every day drastically alters what i disclose. please understand.

Sunday, November 24, 2002


Sunday night and i'm on the Internet because i'm bored out of my mind. this weekend was good, but it went by too quickly. i wonder why i'm not scared out of my mind that in a matter of days, i'll no longer have income. i guess it's more like a matter of weeks, but who's counting? i actually surprise myself that i'm not more nervous about it. it looks like i'll move up to SLC the beginning of December. December 7 is my last shift at the PF. i think i should be nervous about my situation, but i'm not yet. my family is forgoing Christmas present exchange this year, which will help keep my expenses in check. last year i spent way too much, but it was fun. this year i'll only need to buy things for myself, which will consist of personal vacation time/trips. of course i'll buy some gifts for the nieces and nephew, but other than that i think i'll be selfish.

i finally finished my Friend CDs. two volumes of all my friends' favorite songs. it turned out to be quite the mix - where else can you hear Guns N' Roses followed by Prince followed by Nelly followed by Ella Fitzgerald? it's a very good mix, actually. i'm proud of myself for finally getting them done. there are some things i think of doing, get started doing them, but quit half way. like the marathon. yes, i desperately want to run my half-marathon next March, but it's just too damn cold outside. yes, i'm lazy. yes, i need more self-discipline. no, there are no excuses. yes, i promise i'll get back into it - how about first thing Wednesday morning?

when i came home from SLC this morning, i came home to a disaster area. i never would have guessed this could be my home. dishes, personal belongings, dirt and mud, filthiness all over the house. i was so sad i almost began to cry. i just cleaned the bathroom Thursday and now, three days later, it looks like it's gone for weeks without someone lifting a finger. so disappointing, and yet the disappointment carries with it a sense of satisfaction that i'll be missed when i leave here. there are a lot of things i will miss as well, but i think my eagerness to get out and embrace change has overshadowed any anxious thoughts or imaginings i have had. i guess it's just time to go, but in a constant state of conflict i am. Lord, please keep and bless me for doing something stupid just because i think it's what You want for me.

Friday, November 22, 2002

Inside myself

when i first began posting, i posted every day. i couldn't wait to get here and let it all out. but now things have changed, i'm a bit more blah in my attitude, priorities have caused my time to be spent working my way down from the top of a list. my price? a connectedness to myself, which i felt some time ago, now gone.

my last day is Tuesday, November 26, but i'll be paid through the 30th. i will also get compensated for all of the vacation time i've accrued that i never took, which will be VERY nice, because i need the cash.

the latest...i am wholly unmotivated to respond to email lately. i was really good about it for a while, now nothing. i think i've become selfish. i should stop, but for now i want to indulge myself. my selfishness brings with it a desire to free myself (since i'm unemployed as of December 1) and do some of the things i want to do before i die. Elton moved to New York for a month or so and i'd like to go visit and see another broadway show for his birthday. maybe i should get info on studying abroad and live in some Latin country for the next four months until i master Spanish. Nate said he'll go to Ecuador with me next summer, after he's done climbing in Peru. maybe i should just get a waitressing job instead of a real job for a while so i can do the Europe trip with the roomies, hit France again with Doug, vacation in Pennsylvania for a week. for some reason, i've always wanted to go to Pennsylvania. Jed is moving back to Utah in January, and we think it would be fun for me to buy a one-way ticket to Florida and road trip it back with him. imagine New Year's Eve in Orlando. i definitely need to bring in the new year with a bang this year. i'm 25, and my last few new year celebrations have absolutely sucked.

all day long yesterday i thought about Amanda. she'll be three years old one month from yesterday - December 21. what can i give her for the last birthday present she'll receive from me until we meet again, in another 15 years? what do i want my final words to be? how do i want to make my final impression? i want to make her proud. i want her to see me as happy, successful woman, confident in my decisions, comfortable with myself. but do i want to lie? i don't consider myself successful, although i am comfortable with myself. i have zero confidence in my decisions, but i'm pretty sure i'm a happy individual. i want her to know she came equipped with very capable genes - intellectual, physical, emotional and spiritual - but for all i can say to her, what will she believe? what's truth and what's wishful thinking? who am i, where am i headed, what have i accomplished? the answers to these questions are what frighten me, but what's worse is i find myself so scared of 'certain' failure that i dare not change them. this is the part where being 'frightened into mediocrity' comes into play...

Tuesday, November 19, 2002

No job

are you wondering what happened with the job? well, here you go...

i received a phone call yesterday from Melinda of the MS Society. she informed me the board decided to hire the other girl because she a had lot more experience with PR stuff. understandable, definitely. disappointing, even more so. BUT...she also said they want me. she said they love everything about me, and they really want me. i would be perfect working with them. they really, really want me. in fact, they want me so badly, when they all get back into town after the Thanksgiving holiday, they are going to find money in their budget to make a position for me. nicey! i guess we'll see in a few weeks whether she's being serious, or just being nice to me. i hope she's being serious, and i hope they find a lot of extra money in the budget for my position.

i just got a lecture. yes, i am aware that i am leaving a great job with excellent benefits, working for wonderful people to go to...nothing. i have nothing. no solid job leads, no firm decisions. my sister-in-law, Holly, and my future roommate, Rachel, keep telling me that it'll be soooo easy to find something once i just get up there, but i'm hesitant to believe that's true. whether or not it is, however, i am definitely done with this job. my replacement began yesterday. i am pretty sure she'll be done training the end of this week, but she told me yesterday i should stay until the end of the month. i need to talk to the HR people, because if i can stay on until the end of the month, i want the money and the extra week of benefits.

Sunday, November 17, 2002

Jobs, vacations & Fight Club

it's Sunday afternoon and i woke sick this morning. i fell asleep last night around 9:30, but still awoke this morning achey and confused. i guess i neglected my body too much this last week, and one night of good rest wasn't enough to compensate.

life has been, well, interesting. the job interview went VERY well. i still don't know if they're going to offer me the position or not, though. this is what happened. on Wednesday, Jamie emailed me, "I have a job lead, but you must act quickly" so act quickly is what i did. by early afternoon, i had emailed my resume, received a faxed copy of the job description and had two phone interviews. we set up a time to meet Thursday afternoon. i got my PF shift covered (thank you, Amy Baker) and went to sleep. the next morning i got some writing samples together, worked for about 2.5 hours, then drove up to SLC. interview at 3 pm. word on the street is it went quite well - in fact, better than any of us had expected. Jeff says at the end of the interview, "You've definitely given us something to think about." he had told me earlier that based on paper alone, i wouldn't have really been considered because i lack PR experience. it's my connection through Jamie that solidified my candidacy. HOWEVER, it was my interview that moved me from fourth of four to a tie for first of four. the next day they called each of my bosses and the other references i had provided, and i have not yet heard. they told one boss that they see a lot of potential in me and this will be one of the hardest decisions they'll ever make. i guess we'll see, right? i think the reason i've not heard from them is they offered the job to my contender, and if she turns it down, they want to be able to fall back on me. no, that's not optimistic, but i think it's realistic. i am a realist.

the roommates invited me on their European vacation next May for a few weeks. not sure why they did it, though. i am considering going (tickets from Portland to Germany for $210 - yippee!!) but think a smaller, more intimate group would be more fun. then again, France was a wonderful experience, and to spend three weeks in Italy, Germany, Spain, etc. would be another thing i can happily check off of my list of things to do before i die.

i have been a little bit blah lately. i met Tim Thursday night for a little dinner after the interview (thanks Tim - glad my pasta was good since yours sucked!) . that's really the only exciting thing i've done, though. i haven't been working at the PF very much and it's been causing some stress about money, which is really stupid, i know, but the responsible side of me is sick that i can't keep my expenses down. in fact, if i don't get this job i am going to refuse to look for anything else until i live up there. it's just not worth my time and money to keep driving back and forth for one-day trips with a random interview here and there.

i had a great day with Doug yesterday. after i cleaned the house, laundry, etc., we went down to Zion and did a short hike, went to the Pizza Noodle afterward, and on to his house to watch Fight Club. well, in the middle of that movie, i fell asleep, but Doug was kind enough to wake me for my favorite part, where Edward Norton goes crazy on the blonde haired boy after they threaten the police chief in the bathroom at the banquet. anyway, after the fight, there is blood splattered all over Edward Norton's body and no one is cheering anymore - all the tough men are standing there, awestruck at what they just witnessed, and Brad Pitt says to Edward Norton, "Where did you go, psycho boy?" and Edward Norton says, "I felt like destroying something beautiful." Brad Pitt says, "Take him to a f***ing hospital," the camera takes a great upsweep over to the other side of the room where my boys are walking up the stairs, and we see the blonde boy on the floor, one eye opening, gasping for air through the pool of blood gathering deep in his throat, blocking his airway. end sequence. i will never tire of Fight Club. Doug and i have a difference of opinion about what the intended messages are in various parts of the movie, but i say whatever you take with you from that particular viewing is what it is supposed to mean at that particular time.

at that particular time. has anyone listened to that song, track seven, on the Alanis Morrisette Under Rug Swept album? i have, and the lyrics bear a striking resemblance to my last relationship (Scott). my, how time's been over since February. it's nice to know that sometimes things finally end because it's finally right. no other reason except that it was the right time.

Wednesday, November 13, 2002

late Wednesday night. worked on CDs tonight, trying to relieve some stress about a job interview tomorrow in SLC. literally two days ago, i decided i'd like to try and get an entry-level PR job for a non-profit org of some sort. today i received an email from jlp whose boss sits on the board of the MS chapter in SLC. well, the MS chapter is looking for a PR coordinator, and it wants the individual hired by Friday. i sent my resume up in a hurry, spoke with a few key players on the phone, and we decided i should go up there tomorrow for an interview. they are interviewing four people. i think they're only considering me because of Jamie, though; i know i don't have the experience this position necessitates. will it even be worth the trip, then? well, i did have to give a PF shift away and there's the wear on my car and the $30 gas up and back, but the experience of interviewing combined with my 25% chance of landing to job is well worth it, i think. i guess we'll see, right?

Tuesday, November 12, 2002


just so you all know, i drove the route i ran yesterday and discovered it was 4.8 miles, not 4.5. that means i'm basically up to 5 miles. can you believe it? i am ecstatic.

ecstasy-causing events: a phone call from Nate last night, who has been reading a lot of philosophy and believes he should learn more about his environment. a roommate that did NOT have strep. a cartwheel down the giant slide at Dan's house (reflects a huge fear confronted and conquered). an urge to buy Oreos at the grocery store last night resisted (instead i bought some Asian pears - i'll let you know how they are). Jonnie lent me his computer monitor until we can figure out what's wrong with mine, or until i can get a new one - nicey!!

non-ecstasy-causing events: my computer monitor stopped working. i accidentally bumped a dish out of the drainer last night when i got home from the store, and it broke into pieces. then i discovered it was my roommate's favorite golf mug. i felt really bad about it, but am glad she's the roommate that i serenaded that morning because she was sick, and i got her soup, saltines, and OJ while i was at the store. i hope that counts for something.

regardless, you can see i've experienced more small victories the last few days than i have failures. now if only i can find a job and get moving, everything will work out perfectly.

Monday, November 11, 2002

after slacking for more than a week, i was up and at-it again this morning, running a record 4.5 miles! (cheering in the background) this is huge for me, people. just go with it.

what's new? well, i've actually been thinking a lot about Nate. seeing him this weekend was so refreshing. his outlook on life, his interpretation of situations and events, the importance (or the lack thereof) he places on money and things, are all so very refreshing. i am worried i came across as snotty or too-good-for-you-never-in-your-wildest-dreams during our chat Friday night, but really, what can i say? there are certain standards i hold, certain things i need out of life. these are things i cannot and will not compromise. i guess it'll always be "my way or the highway."

two roommates are sick. one possibly has strep. the other woke this morning absolutely miserable. what does this mean for me? i hope it means nothing more than i'll be the really sweet roomie that buys OJ laced with Vitamin A and lots of Minestrone soup. i should pick up some saltines while i'm at it, too.

Saturday, November 9, 2002


are you all wondering what is going on with this Jacob thing? i am not sure i've been clear in what i've written, so let me emphasize something: i DO NOT hope he's single again or want him to contact me anymore. that's the story, the whole thing, nothing more to say. i am not going to reply to his email, so as far as i'm concerned, it's a dead issue.

today was a good day. mind you, it's shortly after 11 pm my actual time, but this thing will post that it's 1:30 am Sunday morning. i think it is silly we can't all be on our real time zones, but whatever.

anyway, today was a good day because i got a ton of stuff done that needed to be done. the house is clean, the birthday and grocery shopping is done, and i was even able to be social tonight - dinner and an opera with a group of friends. it was very relaxing and quite enjoyable. i am a bit disappointed in myself because i didn't run today, but that's because i was up with Nate Brown until 3 am last night and i wasn't up for an early run. i wasn't up for running, period, when i woke up at 8:30 am. sometimes it absolutely sucks when your body seems to be on an automatic alarm clock.

i received an email yesterday, confessing the sending of flowers to help me chill out and have a better day. to the sender, who happened to be neither Camery nor Brian, i thank you, and your identity shall remain anonymous. i guess i've been pretty stressed out lately - everyone has noticed. i got the flowers for it, the roommates have all been asking if i'm okay, if i need anything, etc. then when i hung with Nate last night, he commented on it. i don't know if i seem that way, or if i talk like i seem that way, but whatever it is, it makes me believe that i seriously need some sort of emotional therapy.

i am so s l e e e e p y...i definitely have to go to bed now. have a great weekend!

Friday, November 8, 2002

What others want

it's Friday, and i am quite relieved for it. i don't work at the PF this weekend, so i get to babysit my niece and nephew tonight and i think Amanda and i are going to Mesquite for minute tomorrow afternoon to play Bingo. should be good times all around.

someone sent me the cutest basket of daisies yesterday. wanted to wish me luck in making my life decisions about work - what to do, where to go, etc. i am pretty sure it was Camery - we spoke earlier yesterday and she knew how stressed out i was, but i don't dare ask if it wasn't her. i think it could be Brian, feeling bad about being mean to me the night before. who was it? was it anyone reading this entry? come forth and confess, and all shall be forgiven you. why do people send floral arrangements and not sign the card, anyway?

i haven't run for exactly one week now. i tried to run yesterday morning, but my feet were super sore from waitressing in Airwalks the night before. i could have gone this morning, but i didn't wake up in time - 20 mins late for work as it was. tomorrow morning, i shall begin again. that half-marathon next March will be mine!

i have decided not to reply to Jacob's email. i'm going to pretend the email went off into cyberspace, never to be seen by my pretty little head. want to know the latest in my personal life? well, i received a thoughtful bunch of flowers from someone, but i'm pretty sure it was a chick. a guy IMs me all the time, but he's 5'6". my best guy friend's roommate is trying to set me up with his "older" brother...yeah, the brother MIGHT be 22; he acts like he's 19. meanwhile, a guy in my brother's ward in SLC really wants to set me up with HIS brother. funny thing is the guy in my brother's ward doesn't even know who i am or what i'm like! i think people see me and think, "Oh my goodness, she is PERFECT for Jonathan! He's single, she's single. Perfect!" and that's it.

what's even more entertaining is seeing people desperate to get me hooked up, while knowing i could not care less about finding someone to be serious with. i know, i know, everyone thinks i'm full of it, and i'm hiding my true feelings/emotions/intentions - but i'm not. i'm really just not interested in romantic relationships right now, and i haven't been for a long time. the thing is, i have so many deep, individual friendships that i don't lack the emotional, intellectual or spiritual connections a committed relationship brings to the table. "what about the physical connection," you ask? that's neither something i need, nor something i want right now. life is perfect when you're single, content and surrounded by wonderful people.

Thursday, November 7, 2002

i told Washington no. after three phone calls and an email in 24 hours, i figured Mary Powell didn't want to let me think about it, so i'm going with my gut feeling.

i haven't written Jacob back. i don't know if i will. i dreamt about him last night, which drives me batty. i can honestly say i haven't thought about him at all for the last three years. Pete says he must have gotten divorced. i say, "that's what you get - 17 days and all." i don't blame him for wondering about me...i have much nicer hair than Aimee does.

Too Much

today. yesterday. wild. i should sleep, but i have too much on my mind.

i feel old. i lectured a coworker tonight on the perils of "ncmos" with random guys. i got home from work, watered the plants, straightened the front room, did the dishes, took out the garbage, dragged the trash can to the curb for pickup tomorrow morning. i boiled some water on the stove to increase the humidity in the house. i sorted the mail, checked the answering machine, updated the caller id log. i swept the kitchen floor and shook out the rugs. when it was after midnight, i decided vacuuming could wait until tomorrow.

i pulled in fifteen minutes late to work from the big trip up to Washington for the job interview. Elton came with me, bless his heart. boring as all hell for him, but it sure was nice to have him along. Camery was sweet as ever and super accommodating. i sure love and miss that girl.

i think a lot about my friends - who they are and what they're like, why i like them and what they see in me. sometimes i laugh out loud. whenever i think of Camery, i immediately think of Andy, too. silly Andy, who describes his lower body as the "good-looking Andy" and the upper half as the "ugly Andy." he's a big wig at a boys and girls club in Ohio now. who knew? i thought for sure he'd take the reporting job. he has a real talent for writing - a talent i wish he could pass along to those of us who so desperately wish to grasp it.

Mary Powell offered me the job in Washington. i have decisions now that make me uncomfortable. change is uncomfortable for me. can i relocate 14 hours from all family members? can i live in a small trashy town, spread out across the middle of Washington? i don't think i was comfortable there, but i don't know if it was the area or my own inhibitions at embracing something different. i don't trust myself to make decisions, yet i don't trust my God to make them, either. well, i trust Him to make the decisions, but i don't trust that i'll accurately receive His recommendation. how does one know if he or she is doing God's will? how do i know if i'm "supposed" to take the Washington job? how do i know if it was right for Scott and i to end things? how do i know if i attended college where God wanted me to attend, if i studied what God wanted me to study, if i'm meeting the right people and saying the right things?

i think it's beginning to bother me that my youngest sister is getting married next month. i feel so isolated. i'm only 25 years old, yet i feel like i live the life of a 30-something with three children and a house payment. how can that be an isolated feeling, you ask? not sure. it just is. i was speaking with Brian earlier and he basically told me i'm hot enough to sleep with but not pretty enough for someone to build a real relationship with me. that hurt me. was that what he said, or did i interpret it incorrectly? maybe i'm just vulnerable right now.

then i check my email. what do i find in my junk mail folder? an email from Jacob Egbert. who? the missionary i had four years ago. i was 4 1/2 months pregnant when Jacob came home. we began dating again, but things were different. he mentioned we could get married and keep my baby. he wanted so badly to get married; i didn't want to think about boys or commitment. we broke up, he met Aimee, they were engaged 17 days later. i sent him a box with all of the pictures he had sent me from the mish. i congratulated him on the wedding. i never heard from him again - not even a thank you card - until today. a random email, saying, "Paige, I am just wondering fi you are still out there and how things are going. Jacob" and yes, the fi is a typo on his end. why on earth is he thinking about me right now? why would he wonder if i'm out here, what i'm doing, or why? i'm confused, and i'm not sure if i'm supposed to write him back or not. has guilt been plaguing him these last few years and he's now addressing and resolving its cause? is he lonely? does Vickie share with him the things i pass on to her? does he worry that i've lost God and his next project is to help me find Him again?

it's after two in the morning. i am supposed to get up at six to run, but i think i will sleep in the hour and just get up in time to make it to work. please forgive my laziness. my heart and soul needed this workout more than my body needs marathon training...

Thursday, October 31, 2002

And I run

i ran the 4.1 mile route this morning. my hips were a bit sore from two days ago, but i think i'll manage. i borrowed my roommate's tape/radio/headphone set thing to keep me company while i was out this morning. it was a bad idea - too distracting. i decided to run in the morning because it's too late to go after my jobs at night. it's not as dark at 6 in the morning as it is at 11 pm, so i thought it would be safer and possibly more enjoyable.

i was right. the sun was coming up as i ran my personal mini-marathon this morning. i didn't leave the house until 6:30, but i still had a lot of company - housewives mostly, getting out and gossiping with each other as they strive to regain their pre-weight and body shape from decades ago. with the headphones crammed into the insides of my ears by a warmer i wear about my head, i couldn't be social. as we passed each other i merely looked - stared, really. if eye contact was made, i tried to smile through concentrated breathing and "o" shaped lips, pushing my breath from my lungs with every intake. i doubt that look of mine appears warm or inviting. my efforts were usually acknowledged, however, and i was more often than not graced with a welcome smile. it was golden.

there's something calming about keeping pace with your body while you run. my hair, pulled back into a braid or a ponytail, gently bobs left-right-left-right as my feet direct my breathing: two steps in through the nose, two steps out through the mouth...i keep this pace the entire route. ten minutes per mile. in my right pocket, i carry a handkerchief, a wad of tissue, a dishcloth - anything to wipe away the mucus dribbling out of my nostrils. i wear knit gloves, the ear warmer, an orange jacket, and light blue jogging pants. i usually warm up enough to rid my hands of the black mittens and occasionally the jacket while i run.

today wasn't right, though. the music - it's beat, it's fluctuating rhythm - threw me off. i ran too slowly or not quickly enough. i sang inside my head instead of searching inside my soul. my mind drifted; there was no concentration. my steps were out of sync with my lungs. i couldn't focus; couldn't breathe. my side began to ache and my hand cramped from holding the radio. today, running was not pleasurable.

Wednesday, October 30, 2002

Job limbo

since you're wondering, i ran 4.1 miles yesterday without stopping once - including up a big hill. that is my best effort with the marathon training yet! i feel like a million bucks, invincible and world-conquering. i definitely think i'll make it to seven miles by Christmas. the discipline this training requires is giving me a sense of self as well - a lovely bonus in times of uncertainty.

the interview for the Washington reporting job isn't until NEXT Tuesday, so i'm headed up there early next week. i'm very excited, but very nervous. i've been racking my brain, thinking of ways to manipulate my schedules into letting me go next week (i planned on this week, so i asked all the wrong days off) as well as finding a traveling companion. if worse comes to worse, Rachel said she'd call in sick and go with me because 1) road trips are fun; and 2) road trips with me are even MORE fun. she is so funny - called me at eight this morning because we can never catch each other later in the day - she doesn't want me to drive the 14 hours by myself, but it's hard when people have jobs and, heaven forbid, responsiblities. so i'm thinking...Holly doesn't have a job, but she's pregnant...Tim doesn't have a job yet, but he doesn't seem hip on embarking on a 48-hour adventure with a stranger...Maryann works, Princess works, Rachel works, etc. hmmm...everyone sucks but me, it seems...

in walks an angel. my friend Elton, who recently returned to Happy Valley, casually mentions in an email that he has extra flight passes on Southwest and he'd be willing to let me use one. can anyone be more dreamy?? that would be so ideal, and Elton, if you read this before i email you back, please know that i thought the deals at Nordstrom were incredible enough, but you just iced the cake! if you'll let me, i want to buy the passes off of you. as an added bonus, i'll stop bothering you about going to church - lol.

i need to get in touch with all of my people and go get myself a job in Washington. if that doesn't work out, i'm going to hit the road and head up to SLC, job security or not, and stay at Kenshi's or my brother's until i find something. we're interviewing some ladies for my day job this Thursday and Friday, so next week all we have to do is pick someone and then i train her. the way i figure it, i'll be able to leave by mid-November (gulp). sketchy, isn't it? wish me luck!

Tuesday, October 29, 2002

Where I stand

another online test. i love these things!! these are my results of the "What Are You Looking for in a Relationship?":

Best Friend
There are many different ways to look at relationships, but for you, finding a best friend, the one person you share everything with, is the most important. Some people focus more on the romantic image of a soul mate to last the span of time, but you probably prefer the reality of making the most of every moment of every day. And who better to live those moments with than someone who's true blue through and through?

The ideal match for you is probably someone who can anticipate the next word out of your mouth and who laughs at the punch line before you even tell it. Chances are it's important to you that they'd expand your circle of friends, introduce you to new places, faces, and experiences, too. Whether this relationship is here for the short- or the long- term, you're a take-it-as-it-comes kind of person, with few expectations or fairytales to live up to. You'd take your constant companion and trusted secret-keeper over a fairy Princess or Prince Charming, any day. Whether you realize it or not, there's someone out there who feels the same way about you. Like you, that someone is looking for the one person to be their best friend — both in the bedroom and out.

here's the link:

i'm relieved the authors threw in the "both in the bedroom and out" clause. i was afraid i was looking for a best friend with no physical perks...what a drag!

Monday, October 28, 2002

Love not needed

a late start today - sorry for all of you addicts out there. no running this weekend - i'm a horrible marathon-runner-in-training. no boys or any other social encounters. a very plain, very boring, very blah weekend.

i moved a lot of stuff to my parents' attic yesterday. that was productive, i suppose. i've been eating more healthily and have seen an increase in my appetite since i started running. i've been trying to stay away from the sweets since i've noticed the appetite boom, but it's hard with Halloween just around the corner and birthday treats at the office every week.

i've been thinking about Scott lately - don't ask me why. i'm at the brink of insanity when mutual friends tell me about Lily - his one-night love affair from a cruise in Mexico a few weeks ago. i'm not supposed to care, but i do. did i love him, you ask? if you think of love in terms of someone that was once or still is close to you that has made an impact on your life, then yes, i loved Scott dearly. if you think of love in terms of someone that you absolutely cannot live without, then you are doomed to never love. there are many people that hold a special place in my heart, but to say i couldn’t live without them is a falsehood – and a pathetic one at that. there are many i would rather not live without, but if i had to, i believe i could do it. i am a confident, capable young woman who doesn’t need anyone in my life, but i choose to embrace their company and value their companionship anyway. perhaps i'm needy. i don't need the individual, though; i merely need someone to fill that particular role in my life. when things change and they move on, someone else can fill it. simplistic? perhaps. true? definitely.

what do i need? i need many things. i need time to think; time to muse. i need my imagination and my life experiences. i need daisies and the color blue. i need pride and self-discipline. i need independence and responsibility. i need cleanliness and order. I need perfection and accountability. i need short stories and a camera. i need privacy and friendships. i need music and my thoughts. i need telephones and email. i need a listening ear and a soul of intimacies. i need lemon water and PF salads. i need an oven and some recognition. i need hairplay and autopilot. i need affection and adoration. i need memories and a promising future. i must work harder.

Friday, October 25, 2002

Sad, but friendly diversity

early Friday morning, i guess. should i cry now or later? now it is.

i will explain. i had been wondering why we hadn't been receiving mail the last few days. tonight, after running another 3+miles (go Paige!!) i opened the hall closet to get out the fish food (yes, that's how often i feed my fish) and i saw a Newsweek. "what is an old Newsweek doing, just hanging out in this closet?" i wondered, because i am an immaculate person and would not have misplaced something there. i looked at it - the October 28, 2002 edition about Kurt Cobain. underneath the mag there was tons of mail. one envelope was labeled as such...addressee: Paige --- return address: SkyWest Airlines

i knew i didn't get the job. the envelope was too small and thin. had they wanted me to begin training November 7, i would have received a large packet instead.

why am i devastated? because i need something positive. something to work with. anything. the emotional roller coaster of job hunting has almost gotten the best of me, i'm afraid. honestly, what makes you question your worth more than a letter telling you you're not good enough for something you believed to be?

for that reason i silently sob in my bedroom, behind a door i purposefully closed to keep the roommates from inquiring about my emotional state. but i need someone to inquire. i wish it wasn't 10 after midnight right now. i wish there was someone i could call and talk to - someone to tell me that i'm still cute and nice and smart and captivating and that i deserve every opportunity at happiness the world could offer me. i wish Jed wasn't in Puerto Rico because he always lifts me up, even if it's with that Nelly ft. Kelly Rowland song that drives me batty. Jake Griffiths wrote me a really nice email two days ago, worried that i wasn't as happy as i should be. he paid me every compliment a girl could imagine. everyone should have friends as dreamy as mine are.

my friends. what a bunch! i have hick cowboy friends, skater friends, hunter friends, hippie friends, high maintenance friends, smart friends, silly friends, gay friends, straight friends, married friends, single friends, religious friends, boozer friends, boy friends, girl friends...the list goes on and on. i'm sure you all can say the same. my friends treat me well. why else would i keep them around? even if they didn't, though, i believe i would continue to cherish each one for the specific light he or she brings into my life. my dear friends. each one is so important to me, and now i find myself thinking about the wonderful conversations and memories i've shared with my beautiful friends and i begin to realize (again) that i am lucky.

would i consider God a friend of mine? generally, yes; however, sometimes i get bitter and begin to think He's not putting as much into the relationship as i am. is this something of which an individual can accuse God? i hope so, because i just did. great, now i'll never get the job in Washington - God is going to punish me for making that statement - and i desperately need it.

Thursday, October 24, 2002

i am ecstatic today! i just checked my email and there was a message from a newspaper in Washington. it seems the managing editor would like for me to head up for an interview ASAP. can life get any more dreamy than this?!?! tell me, please. nope, you're wrong. it can't.

and yet a dark cloud begins to form overhead as i realize it took Andy and i about 16 hours to drive there for Camery's wedding.

Wednesday, October 23, 2002


i am so excited! i ran 3.2 miles yesterday and i'm not sore today. suddenly the half-marathon next March doesn't look so distant and impossible to reach. i got to see the Princess for an hour or so on Saturday and she's also training for the Moab marathon next March. wild, huh? we've decided we will run it together. that will help ensure i prepare myself for it - positive motivation.

two SkyWest interviews last Saturday, and i think they really liked me. i will know the end of this week if they want me. the real question is i want to take a pay cut and take the job? i am still weighing the pros and cons of everything as well as applying for other jobs elsewhere. i get blah in a lot of things, though, and it's hard to stay motivated.

my short trip to SLC for the weekend was a lot of fun. aside from the quality shopping time i had with Holly and the minor amount of job hunting i did, i spent my time with boys. can you believe that? i disgust myself, as this is not anything i need in my life right now. i guess i like the attention. at times, i wonder who i have a crush on. Don insisted i call James for croquet and cards on Sunday, but i refused. Brian thinks i'm into him, but he's still too project for me. the Todd Hillstead encounter was not what i had expected, but hindsight reveals it was exactly what i should have. Brandon is like an old faithful fling for me, in that we always end up together, i think merely because we're the straight ones in the group. he's supposed to come down this weekend and call me when he gets in. i guess, like always, we'll see.

Tuesday, October 22, 2002

My Amanda

Hey everyone.

Please know this - I'm not sad, upset, depressed, or angered over the birth of my daughter or my decision to place her for adoption. Nor am I complacent, ambivalent or nonchalant about my circumstances. My decisions and my daughter are all important parts of my past, my present and my future. I am truly a blessed individual. I am happy.

K, so there are some pics - December, 2001. That's my little girl. She's all mine. In the sombrero pic, she looks just like I did as a little girl, and I looked an awful lot like my mother when she was growing up.

I apologize if I sound morose and stricken with a heart-wrenching "Poor Pity Paige" fest every time I blog. I'm not that way in real life. Generally speaking, I'm a happy person. My great fault is emotion, however. I described myself once as feeling whatever it is I feel with all of my heart, all of the time. This means when I'm happy, I'm elated. When I'm sad, I'm hollow inside. Unfortunately, I fill my emptiness with depressing thoughts and imaginings. I'm very good at feeling sorry for myself.

I feel like I'm off track now. How can I recap the weekend's events after posting this? I will catch up with you tomorrow.

Monday, October 21, 2002

The Stakeout

hi boys and girls! you miss me during the weekends, don't you? i'm actually not even at work right now, as today is "Harvest Holiday" (aka: deer hunt) for SUU. i'm still at the brother's house in SLC - just checking the email after a morning run. i ran another three miles today, but i took two 15-20 second walks during my course. i know, i know - i need more self-discipline than that, but i wanted to walk by Amanda's house instead of run.

i walked by it twice. the front door was open a bit both times, but the outside screen door shut. i could see small handprints near the bottom of the door's window - yes! it must still be her home! the right rear door of the white Expedition (or whatever they drive) was open both times as well, so they must have been packing the car to go off somewhere. perhaps they merely forgot to close the door after coming home? i wonder what her family is doing today...

it was probably close to 9:30 am when i walked by. after seeing the doors open i couldn't resist going around the block and walking by again. i wonder if Alison saw me through the window and kept the children out of the front yard while she called LDSFS and asked if i know where they live. i doubt my counselor would tell theirs that yes, i do, and i have known since the day i placed Amanda in their arms. i have always been good about keeping my end of the bargain - never contacting them, never asking for more correspondence. why don't i? i promised not to. i gave my word that i wouldn't.

if that's the case, why do i torment myself every time i mosey up to SLC and stay with the brother that lives a mere two miles from her home? because i want to. i want to see her waddling out of the house, bundled in a pink coat and purple mittens, keeping the blustery air from her delicate skin. i want to see the towhead toddler as she skips around the driveway, Parker playing and laughing with her as they frolic in massive piles of fallen leaves, much to the dismay of their mother who just bathed each before serving them a breakfast each child left to grow cold as the golden and red leaves begged their presence outside and the temptation grew too strong to resist.

i want to see her, if only from a distance. i want to see her smile and frown, hear her laugh and wail, witness her loving and being loved. is she an older sister yet? i hope so. in a matter of months i will receive an update - the final glimpse into her growth, capabilities and present circumstances. and that's it. nothing more to anticipate. any assumptions i make concerning her after that can be neither verified nor disputed. i won't see her in a soccer uniform, tutu, or theatrical attire. i won't see pictures of her hair turning dark, as mine did throughout middle school. i won't see pictures of her at Homecoming with her first boyfriend. i won't see pictures of her high school graduation or her first car. this is something i chose to accept years ago, but until her family moves from where i know they are, i will watch from a distance and hope to catch a mere glimpse at the life she lives - the life i wanted so badly for her to have.

Friday, October 18, 2002

no boys, no

apparently, i love online quizzes. i stumbled across this one while browsing MSN. i thought it would be interesting to see what it said about me and my "love" capabilities.

the site:


You scored: 10 out of 35

0-10 points:The love doctor prescribes more solo time. You are absolutely, 100%, not ready to be loved. You may not even be ready to be liked! Your self-esteem, your ability to take compliments and your willingness to let another person into your life are all seriously impaired. If you really desire to have a strong, deep relationship in the future, you’re going to have to change your ways! Read on for specific tips to help you open up your heart and soul.

tell me something i didn't already know, please. love isn't for the cynical at heart, anyway. my mother told me last night that i'll get married when i fall in love; only problem is that i'm not sure i even want to get married. not wanting to get married keeps some from dealing with the tediousness of relationships and the emotional attachment that accompanies love. i am one of that "some." not sure if i want to change that or not. for now i am more than content with the personal relationships i share with friends and family. men can wait.

Thursday, October 17, 2002

Jobs lead to money

the latest? still blah about the job thing, or the lack thereof. i may end up becoming a professional server like all of Jed's coworkers at Bahama Breeze. the word on the street is that most of them have degrees and whatnot, but choose to wait tables because they can't beat the dinero. i'm going to the group interview thing at SkyWest this weekend, so maybe i can get hooked up there. the job wouldn't pay much but the travel benefits would make it VERY worthwhile. whatever i do, i'll probably end up getting two jobs anyway because that's been the norm for years.

why work two jobs all of the time, you ask? because i'm really good at spending money. sometimes i trick myself into thinking i make legitimate purchases, but my closet speaks for itself ("i can't afford to NOT buy that sweater!" is a common utterance when i'm out window-shopping). besides, i'm lucky enough to always find something that's complimentary to my coloring, my body type and my style. something always fits, and it's hard to turn it down, especially if it's on sale at Banana Republic. let's blame it on Jenise - she got me addicted to "chick clothes," makeup, hair weaves and acrylic nails. i'm not complaining, though, as i receive more attention when i look nice.

i like to pretend that you all enjoy reading these tidbits as much as i enjoy writing them. thanks for the feedback you send me every now and then. i got called on my late entry today - hey, at least someone's paying attention, right? i'm already perking up, dreaming about a short road trip to SLC with Hepcat and Rusted Root tomorrow afternoon.

Wednesday, October 16, 2002

Me v. God

i don't know who hates who more: me or God. i don't understand why He won't help me. this whole job search thing is becoming frustrating. every single lead i've had has fallen through, and i question the idea that i have anything to offer anyone. you know what i want? i just want a job where i talk to people all day long, i make them happy, and i feel important doing it. i don't want to do work like i do now. so mundane - my boss drives me crazy. i want to travel, i want to live - but my fear of failure, my fear of the unknown, my fear of progression - these fears keep me here, in southern Utah, where i work 60+ hours a week and pretend i'm happy. here, in southern Utah, where i've been crowded out of my home for more than three years by upperclass molly mormons who don't give a shit if they clean up after themselves or not. guess what? i like R-rated movies.

people say i just need to go somewhere so i can meet a guy and get married and he can take care of me and i won't need to work. what the hell?! who on earth would want something like that for her life? who wants to roll over and die simply because she got married? there is so much i need to do; i cannot afford to stop living, yet i cannot afford to keep living the way i do. it's times like these when i wish life could have ended for me after i graduated from college. i was so blessed at that time - Amanda was happy, i had a degree, i had great friends and i was the closest to my family i had ever been. it would have been nice to quit while i was on top. then i experience something like Bill's funeral and i realize there are so many people i can influence, so many people i can touch - i just need to be me, but be a patient me. i want to be a ray of light - a sunbeam, i suppose. i want to be the girl that people know and wonder how they ever got along without knowing her before they did.

i just realized that Amanda is still happy, i still have a degree, i have even more amazing friends, and my family still means the world to me (possibly more so now that there are more members). what on earth is God planning for me? why can't i know it?


i did run last night, but i didn't quite make it three miles; however, i figure i ran approximately 2.8 miles, which is pretty good considering i don't do that normally. the least smart thing i did last night was wait to run the uphill portion of my route until the end. i'm a little stiff in my arms and upper back today, but i'm not really sore. my legs are heavy, though. i feel like i'm carrying huge ankle weights around the bottom of my legs. it was all i could do this morning to get my legs out of my PJ's and into my dress pants. i hope i'm in a better position tomorrow, as my goal is to run every other day.

i will have to try and write more later, but for now my boss is breathing down my neck.

Tuesday, October 15, 2002

Before I die.

in real life, today is the day i'll begin my marathon training. Saturday morning i chose to clean my house instead. i didn't really sleep in, even though Penny and i didn't get home from the PF until after midnight. it's going to be hard to be self-disciplined enough to make my goal of completing a half-marathon in Moab next March. i have to be able to run seven miles by the end of December. today i'll run three miles, and if i add one mile every two weeks, i can make it. i need to take a break from working so much, but it's hard when i know i don't have enough retirement set aside for a 25-year-old and i still owe 6k on my car. toss in the traveling i want to do and the things i still need to experience and it makes for an expensive lifestyle. it's worth it, right?

you're all wondering what my other "things to do before i die" are, aren't you? i need to knit a sweater. i need to see five broadway shows in New York (one down, four to go). i need to run a full marathon. i need to write and publish a novel. i need to write an autobiography (not necessarily for publication). i need to perform in a community theater production. i need to learn Spanish. i need to go to a taping of David Letterman. i need to visit Alaska, Hawaii, Canada, Spain, Italy, Greece, China and India - the "lands" would be nice as well. i need to enter a latin dancing competition with my husband. i decided a few days ago that i'd like to attend Burning Man once, too. these things do not need to be accomplished in any certain order, they just need to be accomplished. most of them do not need to be accomplished with any certain individual, either, although i do know i will never have the courage to do many of them by myself.

todd hillstead, if you're reading this, i find you intriguing. see you on Friday.

Monday, October 14, 2002

Bill's funeral & I'm crazy

what a weekend it was and this one will be just as crazy. Friday night was so busy, it felt like it was the USG all over again. Saturday a.m. i cleaned, cleaned, cleaned. i really need to get cracking and get some more stuff packed away and moved. i am hoping to find a job this weekend while i'm in SLC. Monday is a holiday for us - the "Harvest Holiday" otherwise known as the deer hunt. oh, funny southern Utah. Bill's funeral was Saturday afternoon, and although it was incredibly long, it was probably the most beautiful service i'll ever attend. every speaker, every song delivered an endearing message. the headache i had after crying for 2 1/2 hours straight was enough to send me to bed for an hour, but i had to head straight off to work instead.

i have never lost someone close to me - not recently, anyway. the last funeral i went to was that of my father's father, back in 1994. i don't really remember anything about it except for two things. 1) it was "good" he passed away because he had been miserable for the last two years since my father's mother had died; and 2) i had one of the worst hangovers a girl could get after a high school graduation party.

i think most of us on xanga are crazy. i found this link on another girl's site.
i took the test.


Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Low
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Moderate
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Moderate
Dependent: High
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate

here's the link to what these things mean:

honestly, i never would have thought the dependent thing about myself. am i really that way? a long time ago, my psychiatrist told me i was minor borderline personality disorder, but it looks like that has changed somewhat. the problem with a test like this is that an individual's answers will change on a daily, even an hourly basis. the way i respond at any given moment will reflect the immediate influence of my emotional, spiritual and physical states. you all understand.

Friday, October 11, 2002


i have been here, at my desk, looking at an application for a writing group for approximately 70 minutes. should i even bother with it? i honestly wonder if i have any real talent. Andy's stories were really good, but i don't write like that. if only i could master the short story. what an addicting form of expression. i kick myself every day i don't finish a My Turn for Newsweek. several hundred have come and gone in the form of unfinished imaginings. it seems my creativity stops at the conflict. description and setting? no problem. it's writing the actual plot of the piece that is difficult. my unconquerable barrier. frustrating, yes; however, i rarely leave myself the time and flexibility to attempt finishing a composition, so i have no one and nothing to blame but myself and my lack of patience.

i am beginning to allow myself the freedom to pursue some of my dreams. next on my list of things to do before i die is run a marathon. this will take some time and an awful lot of self-discipline, but i'm going to begin training. soon. in fact, i'll begin tomorrow morning. i will run two miles tomorrow without stopping. three miles if two isn't so bad, and four if three isn't a challenge. hey, if Tim can ride his bike from Washington to New York, i can run a silly marathon. my short-term goal includes running a half-marathon next spring. i figure i have roughly 5-6 months to prepare for it. after that, i can continue to build endurance, longevity and speed and possbily run in the St. George or the Logan marathon next year. i guess we'll see what happens.

Thursday, October 10, 2002


i just realized i shouldn't have sent my blog address to all my family and friends. suddenly my private life and thoughts are no longer private. what are blogs for, though? i think they are expressions of a particular feeling at any given moment. strangers read them - no longer strangers. merely another avenue for creating virtual relationships. speaking of virtual relationships, i'm happy i'm out of the internet-dating scene. although i did have some fabulous vacations and met some really cool guys, the constant phone conversations started wearing on me.

somebody hit my car yesterday in the parking lot. bastard. i guess it's not a big deal since my father will probably take care of it later today. i get to hang with Cade and Aubrey tonight. maybe Ashley can come, too. Pam and i spokely briefly about it two nights ago at the PF, but nothing is certain.

i don't really want change. i don't want to move away from my family and the few friends i have left in this area. everyone asks me when i'm leaving and where i'm going and what i'll do when i get there. i shrug and say "don't know yet." i'm still under the impression God doesn't really care what i do right now. change is what is necessary, and that can happen anywhere but here, so the final destination is of no importance.

Wednesday, October 9, 2002


Bill Kringlen passed away Monday night. i heard about it last night while i was managing the PF. when i took Chris the money his eyes were still red and a bit puffy, sadness evident in the half-hearted, yet consoling embrace we shared on his front porch. he like a father to me - Bill like a father to him. i can't imagine if it were Chris.

i have never had a personal encounter with cancer. some associates and mere acquaintances have battled the disease with futile earnest, yet i have never seen it "upclose and personal." last year my next-door neighbor, Carol, 60+, never married, never laid, book addict and skilled gardener, fought breast cancer. for a while her truck and she were merely missing from the house. they appeared again, along with a variety of bandanas that adorned her head. the nephew would come over, mow her grass, visit and whatnot, but i merely waved. i guess i thought i couldn't. eventually, the bandanas came off, and her stubbly silver hair sparkled in the sunlight. she sat on a lawn chair on the front porch on warm nights.

the hair - it's all back now. no sign of the struggle she faced, nor the valiant fight she won. it will probably come back and take her life. it seems that's the typical process. fight it and will only come back with a determination you cannot match.

i never took her the zucchini bread i thought would be a nice gesture. she doesn't know, but i will always remember. i will always pray for her.

Tuesday, October 8, 2002

in the beginning...

just returned from Florida to visit Jeddy for a few days. i sure miss that fag's guts. sweetie, know that i'll always cherish you as the one and only i can get to accompany me to the nude beach. Apollo Beach. i hope they develop those pics...

i have never had a "blog" before but i love reading the blogs of others. maybe this can become a creative outlet for the millions of thoughts that meander through my mind on a daily basis.