Sunday, November 24, 2002


Sunday night and i'm on the Internet because i'm bored out of my mind. this weekend was good, but it went by too quickly. i wonder why i'm not scared out of my mind that in a matter of days, i'll no longer have income. i guess it's more like a matter of weeks, but who's counting? i actually surprise myself that i'm not more nervous about it. it looks like i'll move up to SLC the beginning of December. December 7 is my last shift at the PF. i think i should be nervous about my situation, but i'm not yet. my family is forgoing Christmas present exchange this year, which will help keep my expenses in check. last year i spent way too much, but it was fun. this year i'll only need to buy things for myself, which will consist of personal vacation time/trips. of course i'll buy some gifts for the nieces and nephew, but other than that i think i'll be selfish.

i finally finished my Friend CDs. two volumes of all my friends' favorite songs. it turned out to be quite the mix - where else can you hear Guns N' Roses followed by Prince followed by Nelly followed by Ella Fitzgerald? it's a very good mix, actually. i'm proud of myself for finally getting them done. there are some things i think of doing, get started doing them, but quit half way. like the marathon. yes, i desperately want to run my half-marathon next March, but it's just too damn cold outside. yes, i'm lazy. yes, i need more self-discipline. no, there are no excuses. yes, i promise i'll get back into it - how about first thing Wednesday morning?

when i came home from SLC this morning, i came home to a disaster area. i never would have guessed this could be my home. dishes, personal belongings, dirt and mud, filthiness all over the house. i was so sad i almost began to cry. i just cleaned the bathroom Thursday and now, three days later, it looks like it's gone for weeks without someone lifting a finger. so disappointing, and yet the disappointment carries with it a sense of satisfaction that i'll be missed when i leave here. there are a lot of things i will miss as well, but i think my eagerness to get out and embrace change has overshadowed any anxious thoughts or imaginings i have had. i guess it's just time to go, but in a constant state of conflict i am. Lord, please keep and bless me for doing something stupid just because i think it's what You want for me.

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