Thursday, November 7, 2002

Too Much

today. yesterday. wild. i should sleep, but i have too much on my mind.

i feel old. i lectured a coworker tonight on the perils of "ncmos" with random guys. i got home from work, watered the plants, straightened the front room, did the dishes, took out the garbage, dragged the trash can to the curb for pickup tomorrow morning. i boiled some water on the stove to increase the humidity in the house. i sorted the mail, checked the answering machine, updated the caller id log. i swept the kitchen floor and shook out the rugs. when it was after midnight, i decided vacuuming could wait until tomorrow.

i pulled in fifteen minutes late to work from the big trip up to Washington for the job interview. Elton came with me, bless his heart. boring as all hell for him, but it sure was nice to have him along. Camery was sweet as ever and super accommodating. i sure love and miss that girl.

i think a lot about my friends - who they are and what they're like, why i like them and what they see in me. sometimes i laugh out loud. whenever i think of Camery, i immediately think of Andy, too. silly Andy, who describes his lower body as the "good-looking Andy" and the upper half as the "ugly Andy." he's a big wig at a boys and girls club in Ohio now. who knew? i thought for sure he'd take the reporting job. he has a real talent for writing - a talent i wish he could pass along to those of us who so desperately wish to grasp it.

Mary Powell offered me the job in Washington. i have decisions now that make me uncomfortable. change is uncomfortable for me. can i relocate 14 hours from all family members? can i live in a small trashy town, spread out across the middle of Washington? i don't think i was comfortable there, but i don't know if it was the area or my own inhibitions at embracing something different. i don't trust myself to make decisions, yet i don't trust my God to make them, either. well, i trust Him to make the decisions, but i don't trust that i'll accurately receive His recommendation. how does one know if he or she is doing God's will? how do i know if i'm "supposed" to take the Washington job? how do i know if it was right for Scott and i to end things? how do i know if i attended college where God wanted me to attend, if i studied what God wanted me to study, if i'm meeting the right people and saying the right things?

i think it's beginning to bother me that my youngest sister is getting married next month. i feel so isolated. i'm only 25 years old, yet i feel like i live the life of a 30-something with three children and a house payment. how can that be an isolated feeling, you ask? not sure. it just is. i was speaking with Brian earlier and he basically told me i'm hot enough to sleep with but not pretty enough for someone to build a real relationship with me. that hurt me. was that what he said, or did i interpret it incorrectly? maybe i'm just vulnerable right now.

then i check my email. what do i find in my junk mail folder? an email from Jacob Egbert. who? the missionary i had four years ago. i was 4 1/2 months pregnant when Jacob came home. we began dating again, but things were different. he mentioned we could get married and keep my baby. he wanted so badly to get married; i didn't want to think about boys or commitment. we broke up, he met Aimee, they were engaged 17 days later. i sent him a box with all of the pictures he had sent me from the mish. i congratulated him on the wedding. i never heard from him again - not even a thank you card - until today. a random email, saying, "Paige, I am just wondering fi you are still out there and how things are going. Jacob" and yes, the fi is a typo on his end. why on earth is he thinking about me right now? why would he wonder if i'm out here, what i'm doing, or why? i'm confused, and i'm not sure if i'm supposed to write him back or not. has guilt been plaguing him these last few years and he's now addressing and resolving its cause? is he lonely? does Vickie share with him the things i pass on to her? does he worry that i've lost God and his next project is to help me find Him again?

it's after two in the morning. i am supposed to get up at six to run, but i think i will sleep in the hour and just get up in time to make it to work. please forgive my laziness. my heart and soul needed this workout more than my body needs marathon training...

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