Tuesday, November 26, 2002

Boy stuff

wow. what a life i lead. a little bit about my day today already...i broke my pants getting ready for work, my head is throbbing right now, and i spent all morning deciding whether to emboss my boss' business cards with gold foil or not. and you wonder why i'm not going to miss the job too much...

so i met Kevin Brady yesterday. who's Kevin Brady? a boy i met on the Internet a million years ago, but not in person. well, not until yesterday, anyway. he showed up at work last night (stalker, anyone? lol) and had some dinner. though painful in the beginning, the conversation ran smoothly near the end - i think he finally became more comfortable with me. he has really nice eyes, and is much better looking than i had imagined he would be. regardless, he's a wee bit late, as i'm leaving town (Dexter Freebish) in two weeks. life is begging me to deviate from the familiar, so i am.

what's funny is guys come in waves for me, and my recent waves have all been reruns. Jacob resurrects himself out of nowhere two weeks ago, Jacen emails me last week, the Kevin Brady thing last night, and an email from Kirk earlier today "just checking in to see if i'm okay." let's see...Jacob was three YEARS ago; Jacen, several months ago; Kevin the most recent; and Kirk about 20 months ago. what's this charm, this magical influence i have on the opposite sex which prevents them from ever forgetting about me? it must be the smile.

furthermore, i'm scared to death a good friend of mine may confess his undying love and affection for me. true, he almost married the roommate, but he's been acting quite strangely lately, and well, not to say too much, but similar things have happened to me recently. nothing like what i fear he'll do, but you never know. i shouldn't have given everyone my blog address. knowing there are a particular few who read this every day drastically alters what i disclose. please understand.

Sunday, November 24, 2002


Sunday night and i'm on the Internet because i'm bored out of my mind. this weekend was good, but it went by too quickly. i wonder why i'm not scared out of my mind that in a matter of days, i'll no longer have income. i guess it's more like a matter of weeks, but who's counting? i actually surprise myself that i'm not more nervous about it. it looks like i'll move up to SLC the beginning of December. December 7 is my last shift at the PF. i think i should be nervous about my situation, but i'm not yet. my family is forgoing Christmas present exchange this year, which will help keep my expenses in check. last year i spent way too much, but it was fun. this year i'll only need to buy things for myself, which will consist of personal vacation time/trips. of course i'll buy some gifts for the nieces and nephew, but other than that i think i'll be selfish.

i finally finished my Friend CDs. two volumes of all my friends' favorite songs. it turned out to be quite the mix - where else can you hear Guns N' Roses followed by Prince followed by Nelly followed by Ella Fitzgerald? it's a very good mix, actually. i'm proud of myself for finally getting them done. there are some things i think of doing, get started doing them, but quit half way. like the marathon. yes, i desperately want to run my half-marathon next March, but it's just too damn cold outside. yes, i'm lazy. yes, i need more self-discipline. no, there are no excuses. yes, i promise i'll get back into it - how about first thing Wednesday morning?

when i came home from SLC this morning, i came home to a disaster area. i never would have guessed this could be my home. dishes, personal belongings, dirt and mud, filthiness all over the house. i was so sad i almost began to cry. i just cleaned the bathroom Thursday and now, three days later, it looks like it's gone for weeks without someone lifting a finger. so disappointing, and yet the disappointment carries with it a sense of satisfaction that i'll be missed when i leave here. there are a lot of things i will miss as well, but i think my eagerness to get out and embrace change has overshadowed any anxious thoughts or imaginings i have had. i guess it's just time to go, but in a constant state of conflict i am. Lord, please keep and bless me for doing something stupid just because i think it's what You want for me.

Friday, November 22, 2002

Inside myself

when i first began posting, i posted every day. i couldn't wait to get here and let it all out. but now things have changed, i'm a bit more blah in my attitude, priorities have caused my time to be spent working my way down from the top of a list. my price? a connectedness to myself, which i felt some time ago, now gone.

my last day is Tuesday, November 26, but i'll be paid through the 30th. i will also get compensated for all of the vacation time i've accrued that i never took, which will be VERY nice, because i need the cash.

the latest...i am wholly unmotivated to respond to email lately. i was really good about it for a while, now nothing. i think i've become selfish. i should stop, but for now i want to indulge myself. my selfishness brings with it a desire to free myself (since i'm unemployed as of December 1) and do some of the things i want to do before i die. Elton moved to New York for a month or so and i'd like to go visit and see another broadway show for his birthday. maybe i should get info on studying abroad and live in some Latin country for the next four months until i master Spanish. Nate said he'll go to Ecuador with me next summer, after he's done climbing in Peru. maybe i should just get a waitressing job instead of a real job for a while so i can do the Europe trip with the roomies, hit France again with Doug, vacation in Pennsylvania for a week. for some reason, i've always wanted to go to Pennsylvania. Jed is moving back to Utah in January, and we think it would be fun for me to buy a one-way ticket to Florida and road trip it back with him. imagine New Year's Eve in Orlando. i definitely need to bring in the new year with a bang this year. i'm 25, and my last few new year celebrations have absolutely sucked.

all day long yesterday i thought about Amanda. she'll be three years old one month from yesterday - December 21. what can i give her for the last birthday present she'll receive from me until we meet again, in another 15 years? what do i want my final words to be? how do i want to make my final impression? i want to make her proud. i want her to see me as happy, successful woman, confident in my decisions, comfortable with myself. but do i want to lie? i don't consider myself successful, although i am comfortable with myself. i have zero confidence in my decisions, but i'm pretty sure i'm a happy individual. i want her to know she came equipped with very capable genes - intellectual, physical, emotional and spiritual - but for all i can say to her, what will she believe? what's truth and what's wishful thinking? who am i, where am i headed, what have i accomplished? the answers to these questions are what frighten me, but what's worse is i find myself so scared of 'certain' failure that i dare not change them. this is the part where being 'frightened into mediocrity' comes into play...

Tuesday, November 19, 2002

No job

are you wondering what happened with the job? well, here you go...

i received a phone call yesterday from Melinda of the MS Society. she informed me the board decided to hire the other girl because she a had lot more experience with PR stuff. understandable, definitely. disappointing, even more so. BUT...she also said they want me. she said they love everything about me, and they really want me. i would be perfect working with them. they really, really want me. in fact, they want me so badly, when they all get back into town after the Thanksgiving holiday, they are going to find money in their budget to make a position for me. nicey! i guess we'll see in a few weeks whether she's being serious, or just being nice to me. i hope she's being serious, and i hope they find a lot of extra money in the budget for my position.

i just got a lecture. yes, i am aware that i am leaving a great job with excellent benefits, working for wonderful people to go to...nothing. i have nothing. no solid job leads, no firm decisions. my sister-in-law, Holly, and my future roommate, Rachel, keep telling me that it'll be soooo easy to find something once i just get up there, but i'm hesitant to believe that's true. whether or not it is, however, i am definitely done with this job. my replacement began yesterday. i am pretty sure she'll be done training the end of this week, but she told me yesterday i should stay until the end of the month. i need to talk to the HR people, because if i can stay on until the end of the month, i want the money and the extra week of benefits.

Sunday, November 17, 2002

Jobs, vacations & Fight Club

it's Sunday afternoon and i woke sick this morning. i fell asleep last night around 9:30, but still awoke this morning achey and confused. i guess i neglected my body too much this last week, and one night of good rest wasn't enough to compensate.

life has been, well, interesting. the job interview went VERY well. i still don't know if they're going to offer me the position or not, though. this is what happened. on Wednesday, Jamie emailed me, "I have a job lead, but you must act quickly" so act quickly is what i did. by early afternoon, i had emailed my resume, received a faxed copy of the job description and had two phone interviews. we set up a time to meet Thursday afternoon. i got my PF shift covered (thank you, Amy Baker) and went to sleep. the next morning i got some writing samples together, worked for about 2.5 hours, then drove up to SLC. interview at 3 pm. word on the street is it went quite well - in fact, better than any of us had expected. Jeff says at the end of the interview, "You've definitely given us something to think about." he had told me earlier that based on paper alone, i wouldn't have really been considered because i lack PR experience. it's my connection through Jamie that solidified my candidacy. HOWEVER, it was my interview that moved me from fourth of four to a tie for first of four. the next day they called each of my bosses and the other references i had provided, and i have not yet heard. they told one boss that they see a lot of potential in me and this will be one of the hardest decisions they'll ever make. i guess we'll see, right? i think the reason i've not heard from them is they offered the job to my contender, and if she turns it down, they want to be able to fall back on me. no, that's not optimistic, but i think it's realistic. i am a realist.

the roommates invited me on their European vacation next May for a few weeks. not sure why they did it, though. i am considering going (tickets from Portland to Germany for $210 - yippee!!) but think a smaller, more intimate group would be more fun. then again, France was a wonderful experience, and to spend three weeks in Italy, Germany, Spain, etc. would be another thing i can happily check off of my list of things to do before i die.

i have been a little bit blah lately. i met Tim Thursday night for a little dinner after the interview (thanks Tim - glad my pasta was good since yours sucked!) . that's really the only exciting thing i've done, though. i haven't been working at the PF very much and it's been causing some stress about money, which is really stupid, i know, but the responsible side of me is sick that i can't keep my expenses down. in fact, if i don't get this job i am going to refuse to look for anything else until i live up there. it's just not worth my time and money to keep driving back and forth for one-day trips with a random interview here and there.

i had a great day with Doug yesterday. after i cleaned the house, laundry, etc., we went down to Zion and did a short hike, went to the Pizza Noodle afterward, and on to his house to watch Fight Club. well, in the middle of that movie, i fell asleep, but Doug was kind enough to wake me for my favorite part, where Edward Norton goes crazy on the blonde haired boy after they threaten the police chief in the bathroom at the banquet. anyway, after the fight, there is blood splattered all over Edward Norton's body and no one is cheering anymore - all the tough men are standing there, awestruck at what they just witnessed, and Brad Pitt says to Edward Norton, "Where did you go, psycho boy?" and Edward Norton says, "I felt like destroying something beautiful." Brad Pitt says, "Take him to a f***ing hospital," the camera takes a great upsweep over to the other side of the room where my boys are walking up the stairs, and we see the blonde boy on the floor, one eye opening, gasping for air through the pool of blood gathering deep in his throat, blocking his airway. end sequence. i will never tire of Fight Club. Doug and i have a difference of opinion about what the intended messages are in various parts of the movie, but i say whatever you take with you from that particular viewing is what it is supposed to mean at that particular time.

at that particular time. has anyone listened to that song, track seven, on the Alanis Morrisette Under Rug Swept album? i have, and the lyrics bear a striking resemblance to my last relationship (Scott). my, how time flies...it's been over since February. it's nice to know that sometimes things finally end because it's finally right. no other reason except that it was the right time.

Wednesday, November 13, 2002

late Wednesday night. worked on CDs tonight, trying to relieve some stress about a job interview tomorrow in SLC. literally two days ago, i decided i'd like to try and get an entry-level PR job for a non-profit org of some sort. today i received an email from jlp whose boss sits on the board of the MS chapter in SLC. well, the MS chapter is looking for a PR coordinator, and it wants the individual hired by Friday. i sent my resume up in a hurry, spoke with a few key players on the phone, and we decided i should go up there tomorrow for an interview. they are interviewing four people. i think they're only considering me because of Jamie, though; i know i don't have the experience this position necessitates. will it even be worth the trip, then? well, i did have to give a PF shift away and there's the wear on my car and the $30 gas up and back, but the experience of interviewing combined with my 25% chance of landing to job is well worth it, i think. i guess we'll see, right?

Tuesday, November 12, 2002


just so you all know, i drove the route i ran yesterday and discovered it was 4.8 miles, not 4.5. that means i'm basically up to 5 miles. can you believe it? i am ecstatic.

ecstasy-causing events: a phone call from Nate last night, who has been reading a lot of philosophy and believes he should learn more about his environment. a roommate that did NOT have strep. a cartwheel down the giant slide at Dan's house (reflects a huge fear confronted and conquered). an urge to buy Oreos at the grocery store last night resisted (instead i bought some Asian pears - i'll let you know how they are). Jonnie lent me his computer monitor until we can figure out what's wrong with mine, or until i can get a new one - nicey!!

non-ecstasy-causing events: my computer monitor stopped working. i accidentally bumped a dish out of the drainer last night when i got home from the store, and it broke into pieces. then i discovered it was my roommate's favorite golf mug. i felt really bad about it, but am glad she's the roommate that i serenaded that morning because she was sick, and i got her soup, saltines, and OJ while i was at the store. i hope that counts for something.

regardless, you can see i've experienced more small victories the last few days than i have failures. now if only i can find a job and get moving, everything will work out perfectly.

Monday, November 11, 2002

after slacking for more than a week, i was up and at-it again this morning, running a record 4.5 miles! (cheering in the background) this is huge for me, people. just go with it.

what's new? well, i've actually been thinking a lot about Nate. seeing him this weekend was so refreshing. his outlook on life, his interpretation of situations and events, the importance (or the lack thereof) he places on money and things, are all so very refreshing. i am worried i came across as snotty or too-good-for-you-never-in-your-wildest-dreams during our chat Friday night, but really, what can i say? there are certain standards i hold, certain things i need out of life. these are things i cannot and will not compromise. i guess it'll always be "my way or the highway."

two roommates are sick. one possibly has strep. the other woke this morning absolutely miserable. what does this mean for me? i hope it means nothing more than i'll be the really sweet roomie that buys OJ laced with Vitamin A and lots of Minestrone soup. i should pick up some saltines while i'm at it, too.

Saturday, November 9, 2002


are you all wondering what is going on with this Jacob thing? i am not sure i've been clear in what i've written, so let me emphasize something: i DO NOT hope he's single again or want him to contact me anymore. that's the story, the whole thing, nothing more to say. i am not going to reply to his email, so as far as i'm concerned, it's a dead issue.

today was a good day. mind you, it's shortly after 11 pm my actual time, but this thing will post that it's 1:30 am Sunday morning. i think it is silly we can't all be on our real time zones, but whatever.

anyway, today was a good day because i got a ton of stuff done that needed to be done. the house is clean, the birthday and grocery shopping is done, and i was even able to be social tonight - dinner and an opera with a group of friends. it was very relaxing and quite enjoyable. i am a bit disappointed in myself because i didn't run today, but that's because i was up with Nate Brown until 3 am last night and i wasn't up for an early run. i wasn't up for running, period, when i woke up at 8:30 am. sometimes it absolutely sucks when your body seems to be on an automatic alarm clock.

i received an email yesterday, confessing the sending of flowers to help me chill out and have a better day. to the sender, who happened to be neither Camery nor Brian, i thank you, and your identity shall remain anonymous. i guess i've been pretty stressed out lately - everyone has noticed. i got the flowers for it, the roommates have all been asking if i'm okay, if i need anything, etc. then when i hung with Nate last night, he commented on it. i don't know if i seem that way, or if i talk like i seem that way, but whatever it is, it makes me believe that i seriously need some sort of emotional therapy.

i am so s l e e e e p y...i definitely have to go to bed now. have a great weekend!

Friday, November 8, 2002

What others want

it's Friday, and i am quite relieved for it. i don't work at the PF this weekend, so i get to babysit my niece and nephew tonight and i think Amanda and i are going to Mesquite for minute tomorrow afternoon to play Bingo. should be good times all around.

someone sent me the cutest basket of daisies yesterday. wanted to wish me luck in making my life decisions about work - what to do, where to go, etc. i am pretty sure it was Camery - we spoke earlier yesterday and she knew how stressed out i was, but i don't dare ask if it wasn't her. i think it could be Brian, feeling bad about being mean to me the night before. who was it? was it anyone reading this entry? come forth and confess, and all shall be forgiven you. why do people send floral arrangements and not sign the card, anyway?

i haven't run for exactly one week now. i tried to run yesterday morning, but my feet were super sore from waitressing in Airwalks the night before. i could have gone this morning, but i didn't wake up in time - 20 mins late for work as it was. tomorrow morning, i shall begin again. that half-marathon next March will be mine!

i have decided not to reply to Jacob's email. i'm going to pretend the email went off into cyberspace, never to be seen by my pretty little head. want to know the latest in my personal life? well, i received a thoughtful bunch of flowers from someone, but i'm pretty sure it was a chick. a guy IMs me all the time, but he's 5'6". my best guy friend's roommate is trying to set me up with his "older" brother...yeah, the brother MIGHT be 22; he acts like he's 19. meanwhile, a guy in my brother's ward in SLC really wants to set me up with HIS brother. funny thing is the guy in my brother's ward doesn't even know who i am or what i'm like! i think people see me and think, "Oh my goodness, she is PERFECT for Jonathan! He's single, she's single. Perfect!" and that's it.

what's even more entertaining is seeing people desperate to get me hooked up, while knowing i could not care less about finding someone to be serious with. i know, i know, everyone thinks i'm full of it, and i'm hiding my true feelings/emotions/intentions - but i'm not. i'm really just not interested in romantic relationships right now, and i haven't been for a long time. the thing is, i have so many deep, individual friendships that i don't lack the emotional, intellectual or spiritual connections a committed relationship brings to the table. "what about the physical connection," you ask? that's neither something i need, nor something i want right now. life is perfect when you're single, content and surrounded by wonderful people.

Thursday, November 7, 2002

i told Washington no. after three phone calls and an email in 24 hours, i figured Mary Powell didn't want to let me think about it, so i'm going with my gut feeling.

i haven't written Jacob back. i don't know if i will. i dreamt about him last night, which drives me batty. i can honestly say i haven't thought about him at all for the last three years. Pete says he must have gotten divorced. i say, "that's what you get - 17 days and all." i don't blame him for wondering about me...i have much nicer hair than Aimee does.

Too Much

today. yesterday. wild. i should sleep, but i have too much on my mind.

i feel old. i lectured a coworker tonight on the perils of "ncmos" with random guys. i got home from work, watered the plants, straightened the front room, did the dishes, took out the garbage, dragged the trash can to the curb for pickup tomorrow morning. i boiled some water on the stove to increase the humidity in the house. i sorted the mail, checked the answering machine, updated the caller id log. i swept the kitchen floor and shook out the rugs. when it was after midnight, i decided vacuuming could wait until tomorrow.

i pulled in fifteen minutes late to work from the big trip up to Washington for the job interview. Elton came with me, bless his heart. boring as all hell for him, but it sure was nice to have him along. Camery was sweet as ever and super accommodating. i sure love and miss that girl.

i think a lot about my friends - who they are and what they're like, why i like them and what they see in me. sometimes i laugh out loud. whenever i think of Camery, i immediately think of Andy, too. silly Andy, who describes his lower body as the "good-looking Andy" and the upper half as the "ugly Andy." he's a big wig at a boys and girls club in Ohio now. who knew? i thought for sure he'd take the reporting job. he has a real talent for writing - a talent i wish he could pass along to those of us who so desperately wish to grasp it.

Mary Powell offered me the job in Washington. i have decisions now that make me uncomfortable. change is uncomfortable for me. can i relocate 14 hours from all family members? can i live in a small trashy town, spread out across the middle of Washington? i don't think i was comfortable there, but i don't know if it was the area or my own inhibitions at embracing something different. i don't trust myself to make decisions, yet i don't trust my God to make them, either. well, i trust Him to make the decisions, but i don't trust that i'll accurately receive His recommendation. how does one know if he or she is doing God's will? how do i know if i'm "supposed" to take the Washington job? how do i know if it was right for Scott and i to end things? how do i know if i attended college where God wanted me to attend, if i studied what God wanted me to study, if i'm meeting the right people and saying the right things?

i think it's beginning to bother me that my youngest sister is getting married next month. i feel so isolated. i'm only 25 years old, yet i feel like i live the life of a 30-something with three children and a house payment. how can that be an isolated feeling, you ask? not sure. it just is. i was speaking with Brian earlier and he basically told me i'm hot enough to sleep with but not pretty enough for someone to build a real relationship with me. that hurt me. was that what he said, or did i interpret it incorrectly? maybe i'm just vulnerable right now.

then i check my email. what do i find in my junk mail folder? an email from Jacob Egbert. who? the missionary i had four years ago. i was 4 1/2 months pregnant when Jacob came home. we began dating again, but things were different. he mentioned we could get married and keep my baby. he wanted so badly to get married; i didn't want to think about boys or commitment. we broke up, he met Aimee, they were engaged 17 days later. i sent him a box with all of the pictures he had sent me from the mish. i congratulated him on the wedding. i never heard from him again - not even a thank you card - until today. a random email, saying, "Paige, I am just wondering fi you are still out there and how things are going. Jacob" and yes, the fi is a typo on his end. why on earth is he thinking about me right now? why would he wonder if i'm out here, what i'm doing, or why? i'm confused, and i'm not sure if i'm supposed to write him back or not. has guilt been plaguing him these last few years and he's now addressing and resolving its cause? is he lonely? does Vickie share with him the things i pass on to her? does he worry that i've lost God and his next project is to help me find Him again?

it's after two in the morning. i am supposed to get up at six to run, but i think i will sleep in the hour and just get up in time to make it to work. please forgive my laziness. my heart and soul needed this workout more than my body needs marathon training...