early Friday morning, i guess. should i cry now or later? now it is.
i will explain. i had been wondering why we hadn't been receiving mail the last few days. tonight, after running another 3+miles (go Paige!!) i opened the hall closet to get out the fish food (yes, that's how often i feed my fish) and i saw a Newsweek. "what is an old Newsweek doing, just hanging out in this closet?" i wondered, because i am an immaculate person and would not have misplaced something there. i looked at it - the October 28, 2002 edition about Kurt Cobain. underneath the mag there was tons of mail. one envelope was labeled as such...addressee: Paige --- return address: SkyWest Airlines
i knew i didn't get the job. the envelope was too small and thin. had they wanted me to begin training November 7, i would have received a large packet instead.
why am i devastated? because i need something positive. something to work with. anything. the emotional roller coaster of job hunting has almost gotten the best of me, i'm afraid. honestly, what makes you question your worth more than a letter telling you you're not good enough for something you believed to be?
for that reason i silently sob in my bedroom, behind a door i purposefully closed to keep the roommates from inquiring about my emotional state. but i need someone to inquire. i wish it wasn't 10 after midnight right now. i wish there was someone i could call and talk to - someone to tell me that i'm still cute and nice and smart and captivating and that i deserve every opportunity at happiness the world could offer me. i wish Jed wasn't in Puerto Rico because he always lifts me up, even if it's with that Nelly ft. Kelly Rowland song that drives me batty. Jake Griffiths wrote me a really nice email two days ago, worried that i wasn't as happy as i should be. he paid me every compliment a girl could imagine. everyone should have friends as dreamy as mine are.
my friends. what a bunch! i have hick cowboy friends, skater friends, hunter friends, hippie friends, high maintenance friends, smart friends, silly friends, gay friends, straight friends, married friends, single friends, religious friends, boozer friends, boy friends, girl friends...the list goes on and on. i'm sure you all can say the same. my friends treat me well. why else would i keep them around? even if they didn't, though, i believe i would continue to cherish each one for the specific light he or she brings into my life. my dear friends. each one is so important to me, and now i find myself thinking about the wonderful conversations and memories i've shared with my beautiful friends and i begin to realize (again) that i am lucky.
would i consider God a friend of mine? generally, yes; however, sometimes i get bitter and begin to think He's not putting as much into the relationship as i am. is this something of which an individual can accuse God? i hope so, because i just did. great, now i'll never get the job in Washington - God is going to punish me for making that statement - and i desperately need it.