Wednesday, October 16, 2002

Me v. God

i don't know who hates who more: me or God. i don't understand why He won't help me. this whole job search thing is becoming frustrating. every single lead i've had has fallen through, and i question the idea that i have anything to offer anyone. you know what i want? i just want a job where i talk to people all day long, i make them happy, and i feel important doing it. i don't want to do work like i do now. so mundane - my boss drives me crazy. i want to travel, i want to live - but my fear of failure, my fear of the unknown, my fear of progression - these fears keep me here, in southern Utah, where i work 60+ hours a week and pretend i'm happy. here, in southern Utah, where i've been crowded out of my home for more than three years by upperclass molly mormons who don't give a shit if they clean up after themselves or not. guess what? i like R-rated movies.

people say i just need to go somewhere so i can meet a guy and get married and he can take care of me and i won't need to work. what the hell?! who on earth would want something like that for her life? who wants to roll over and die simply because she got married? there is so much i need to do; i cannot afford to stop living, yet i cannot afford to keep living the way i do. it's times like these when i wish life could have ended for me after i graduated from college. i was so blessed at that time - Amanda was happy, i had a degree, i had great friends and i was the closest to my family i had ever been. it would have been nice to quit while i was on top. then i experience something like Bill's funeral and i realize there are so many people i can influence, so many people i can touch - i just need to be me, but be a patient me. i want to be a ray of light - a sunbeam, i suppose. i want to be the girl that people know and wonder how they ever got along without knowing her before they did.

i just realized that Amanda is still happy, i still have a degree, i have even more amazing friends, and my family still means the world to me (possibly more so now that there are more members). what on earth is God planning for me? why can't i know it?

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