Monday, October 28, 2002

Love not needed

a late start today - sorry for all of you addicts out there. no running this weekend - i'm a horrible marathon-runner-in-training. no boys or any other social encounters. a very plain, very boring, very blah weekend.

i moved a lot of stuff to my parents' attic yesterday. that was productive, i suppose. i've been eating more healthily and have seen an increase in my appetite since i started running. i've been trying to stay away from the sweets since i've noticed the appetite boom, but it's hard with Halloween just around the corner and birthday treats at the office every week.

i've been thinking about Scott lately - don't ask me why. i'm at the brink of insanity when mutual friends tell me about Lily - his one-night love affair from a cruise in Mexico a few weeks ago. i'm not supposed to care, but i do. did i love him, you ask? if you think of love in terms of someone that was once or still is close to you that has made an impact on your life, then yes, i loved Scott dearly. if you think of love in terms of someone that you absolutely cannot live without, then you are doomed to never love. there are many people that hold a special place in my heart, but to say i couldn’t live without them is a falsehood – and a pathetic one at that. there are many i would rather not live without, but if i had to, i believe i could do it. i am a confident, capable young woman who doesn’t need anyone in my life, but i choose to embrace their company and value their companionship anyway. perhaps i'm needy. i don't need the individual, though; i merely need someone to fill that particular role in my life. when things change and they move on, someone else can fill it. simplistic? perhaps. true? definitely.

what do i need? i need many things. i need time to think; time to muse. i need my imagination and my life experiences. i need daisies and the color blue. i need pride and self-discipline. i need independence and responsibility. i need cleanliness and order. I need perfection and accountability. i need short stories and a camera. i need privacy and friendships. i need music and my thoughts. i need telephones and email. i need a listening ear and a soul of intimacies. i need lemon water and PF salads. i need an oven and some recognition. i need hairplay and autopilot. i need affection and adoration. i need memories and a promising future. i must work harder.

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