Monday, October 12, 2009

Like a Bee

Wow, am I busy as of late. School really has me hopping. Couple it with Josh's upgrade schedule and all of the equipment problems that ensue, thereby requiring even more of his time and attention on weekends, and it's a wonder I ever actually finish something - cooking, cleaning, studying, playing. And sometimes I don't. Somehow I'm managing to surround myself with just enough of the organized chaos that I've not yet gone completely crazy, but I don't know how I'm doing it.

It gets frustrating that I simply can't find the time to scrub the floor the way I used to. The dishes wait a day to be cleaned now and the last load of laundry often sits in the dryer for a few days before I finally drag them out to fold (and that's usually only because we finally need those clothes back in circulation). I can't remember the last time I spent an hour pulling weeds in the yard, and there has been no jam-making or bread-baking since the program started. It's still uncomfortable to be living like this. Sadly, I feel like I've switched from flourishing mode to strictly surviving.

I don't know why I didn't think my program would require this much time, but I just didn't. Josh groaned the other day when I mentioned I had to study for another test - it seems there's always a test, and there usually is. At least one test per week, sometimes more. The weekends are invaluable for me. Instead of getting household chores completed, I take off to the library for several hours and study in relative peace while my saintly husband wrangles the kid and tries to get the yard work done. But I didn't get my last two Saturdays (Josh was working - Sundays, too) so I've gotten a bit behind in my studies. Things aren't looking up for this weekend, either, and I'll be taking the hardest test to date next Monday.


I really miss my son. We used to play so often. We'd play outside, have lunch in the yard and swing afterward, read book after book after book before naptime, practice signing together, play the piano together, make my bed together. I realized this last weekend that I have to consciously force myself not to hurry him along, pick him up and carry him instead of letting him go at his own pace. I force myself to read a book with him before bedtime and laugh at his antics instead of shushing him. I no longer let him help me fold the laundry or empty the dishwasher - it takes too long. I leave him in his room for as long as possible every morning, just trying to get in one more minute of sleep or study. For some reason, I've placed Grayson last on my list of things worth spending time on.
Now that my time is so valuable, he's become even less so. It broke my heart to realize it.

That's not the kind of mom I want Grayson to have, and
that's not the kind of mom I want to be. So I started changing today. We had fun when we got home from school and day care. We danced to the radio, including our favorite, "If I Could Turn Back Time", and he practiced his latest move - 'jumping' in place - for at least 20 minutes. He helped me empty the garbage, and we mated socks together. It was so much better than waiting until after he'd gone to sleep to do it. I didn't open a single book tonight, didn't fill out a single flash card. I have a quiz tomorrow and a test on Wednesday, but you know what? Meriting a "B" is going to get me the same degree earning an "A" will, so as long as I know my stuff and pass my boards, I'm not going to sweat it if the primary molars have oblique ridges or not. I have more important things, and people, to spend my time on.


deidra said...

It makes me tired just reading about it. Sounds like a very wise decision to savor Grayson and those moments while you have them.

Good luck with school and balancing everything!

Amanda said...

Good for you Paige. Though we don't have kids yet I can relate in regards to spending time with Tony, especially when we were both in school full-time. It's so easy to let the most important things in life slide because they don't merit a letter-grade. It's a 2 year program, right?

The Palmers said...

It also broke my heart reading that about Grayson. It must be so hard on Josh too. It's not too late to quit the program, and be the wife and mom you want to be. Kids grow so fast and before you know it they are up and out of the house and the time with them we could have spent is gone. No one would falt you for putting your family first and quitting school.

Anonymous said...

Hi'... I'm from italy, Good look, and peace in the world.... nice blog... Ciao "Salvo" from Brescia,nord Italy !!!

Anonymous said...

Quit School? That is preposterous. Putting your family first doesn't mean giving up on the things you want to do in life. In fact, if you quit doing something you really like, I'd argue that you'd be hurting yourself and thus causing detriment to yourself AND your family. I think it is beneficial/admirable to have a role mode/mother who has worked incredibly hard to achieve her goals. By completing your education/goals and being a true professional, while being a great person, mother and wife, you show your child, spouse, and everyone who knows you how spectacular you are, and that it all can be done, and can be done well. It sucks to miss time with the kids as they grow up, but the career you've chosen will allow you to be around a lot more in the future, and will only make you better at all the things you're already great at. You can do anything you want to do, and in this case, you should keep it up.