For one of my classes, we're required to write a weekly blog post about experiences we had in clinic during that week. Luckily for me, it gets me into a reflective mood and I actually post a thing or two on this blog as well. Yay for mandatory assignments that benefit my posterity as well!
The bad news is it always leaves me thinking of Grayson and the opportunity cost of me being in this program. I'm not having the best experiences so far this semester and I've noticed it's caused my emotions to run a bit high these last couple of weeks. Josh has been nothing short of amazing this semester so far, and I repaid him with a snippy attitude and short fuse when I got home from school today. Bad wife.
I kissed Grayson tonight as we put him to bed and told him I love him. He responded with, "I love you too." Then he interlaced his fingers in mine and told me, "I love your hand." So innocent, so adorable, so plain and simple, so delightful. I started tearing up. He saw my tears and put his arms around my neck, asking, "You so sad?" His bottom lip began to quiver a bit and I could see how sad he was at the thought of me being sad, and then I really did start to cry. I literally sobbed for about 20 seconds, wrapped in the arms of my tender two-year-old. He held me so tightly, so concerned about me. "Mommy, you crying?" "Why you so sad, Mom?" I honestly didn't want him to let go.
Somehow I was able to compose myself and as I pulled away from him, he worriedly looked into my eyes. I told him I wasn't sad anymore. He asked, "You happy?" because he's smart enough to know that either you're sad or you're happy, period.
So yes, Grayson. I'm happy. You make me happy. I'm happy because you are sweet and silly and brave to the point of stupidity. I'm happy because you're ridiculously smart and healthy. I'm happy because you're so good about eating your dinner and picking up your toys. You have the best facial expressions, and you said "See ya later, sucka" so perfectly to Daddy earlier tonight. I love the way you do monkey face and always know if the stoplight means stop or go. I'm happy because you know I'm Mommy, and Grandma is Grandma, and you correct me when I call her Mom on accident. I'm happy because Miss Amy tells me how nice you are to the other kids and how well you obey her. I'm happy because you're mine and you always will be.
Thanks bud, for making me so happy. And for reminding me why I am.