Today is my brother's birthday. If he were alive, he'd be 33 years old. He'd have at least one youngster running around, maybe two. He'd bring his family down often to visit us in Las Vegas, and he'd ask me about my Amanda. Dana would be pleased with Treg's growth, and he and Maryann would have a kick-ass garden. I bet he'd buy cars at the auction to work on and resell and he'd have 'projects' strewn up and down the driveway. He'd be driving Maryann nuts!
But he's not alive. He's eternally 29 years old, and I haven't talked to or pretend-karate-chopped him for nearly four years. I think about him all the time, but not usually in a sad way. I think of him at Lin’s with that maroon apron on. I think of the grin on his face when Maryann took him skydiving. I think of how diligent he was in heading out to the lake early to get the good water. He would invite me along and teach me how to pull a skier vs. a wakeboarder.
But I rarely think of him consciously. Instead, he usually just pops into my mind at random moments and I suddenly realize he's there. I don't know why, but I just start thinking about him. But I don't think of memories; rather, I get pictures of Dana in my head. It's odd to think about someone that's been gone for so long. You stop remembering actual events, and instead remember them in pictures that you've seen. I always think of this picture first:
Most of you know that Dana is/was my 'favorite' brother - meaning we were the closest in age, in silliness, in interests, and in attitude. This is what I wrote about his death in my old blog. I miss him. I miss him a lot. I missed him the most on my wedding day. I'm really going to miss him when I have children that he won't be around to play with. But it generally hurts less and less as time passes.
I've had a few dreams about Dana, and one in particular has really stuck with me. I kick myself for not writing it down the morning I woke up and remembered it, but I estimate I had this dream last October. I woke up and told it to Josh, then I called Russ and told it to him. I'm pretty sure I told it to Maryann and my mom, and I've gone over it a thousand times in my head and remember it almost perfectly.
We were riding in the back seat of my mom's old blue car. It went Maryann, Dana was in the middle, and then me on the right. We were being silly and laughing and I suddenly turned and said to Dana, "Wait, we've had this conversation before. You're dead, aren't you?" and Dana smiled at me. Then suddenly it was just me and Dana on the side of a road (I think it was down the street from my folks' old house, near the winery) and we were standing next to a car with either the hood or the trunk up. We were talking and laughing again and as he shut the hood or trunk, I asked him why he didn't come back. "Don't you miss us? Don't you miss Maryann?" I asked him. He smiled at me again and told me that I didn't understand how great things were 'up there.' Then I woke up.
His smiles were peaceful in my dream - not creepy or weird. I think Dana is happy in Heaven. It will be so nice to see him again.
Happy birthday, Brother. I love you.
Not much to say, but thought I'd check in and say hello. We're going to Utah to spend some time with both of our families over Memorial Day - yay for automatic vacation days and families!
I've been thinking about getting a part-time job this summer, for a lot of reasons. I'm only taking one class, so I have lots of free time I didn't have before, and Josh is gone a lot now, working up in Utah. And we recently discovered that when I'm bored, I spend money. Money we don't want me to spend. I did the first half of May's budget, and I had already spent the entire monthly allowance for entertainment, and we're still in the hole from April's gifts (but Josh lets that one slide because of my New Year's Resolution not to miss a single family member's birthday - so far so good!).
Anyway, any money I overspend comes directly out of our 'House Fund' which always makes us cringe because we both desperately want to own a house and we haven't saved enough for a down payment yet. Housing is a bit cheaper in Utah, but not drastically, so we've still got a ways to go. Throw in that we now pay state tax in Utah where we weren't paying it in Nevada and suddenly we can't save as much as we used to. With gasoline going up, milk at $2.50 a gallon, and Nevada Power increasing rates by 11% effective June 1, it's gonna be another financially miserable summer in Vegas, baby. Blech.
Which brings me back to the part-time job thing. It would only be for June-September, so what kind of job should I look for? I'll feel really bad about finding a job, getting trained for it, then taking off after only a few months, so I don't want it to be a critical job that will screw the company when I quit, but I do feel like I need to get employed and do it quickly. Any suggestions?
I am just so mad at Josh right now. Actually, I'm not mad, I'm really sad. Sad and disappointed and frustrated.I could go on and on about how I've now taken five classes at CCSN that aren't needed at UVSC, and about how I now need two classes from UVSC that weren't required at CCSN, and how I now have to pay non-resident tuition, and how I still can't register for fall semester because Jan at ext. 7196 won't call me back, and how sucky it will be to finish my summer class here on August 2 and start up there August 22, and how my chances of getting accepted into the program will now drop from 1:2 to 1:5, and how now I don't foresee any available time to visit Isaac & Shama in Texas or go see Jeddy in NY...But mostly what I feel is sad and lonely because he's been gone for so long. I wish we could live like normal 30-something's. I wish he came home for dinner every night and didn't give so much of his personal time to his job. I wish we had a house payment and planned big annual family vacations. I wish we were friends with our neighbors and went on walks together in the evenings. I wish we did fun stuff on Saturdays instead of doing errands around the house. I wish he would worry about me and our future instead of his parents'. Mostly I wish I was a mom that had children to raise instead of giving them away. I know that's not fair because it's not his fault, but it still makes me sad, and I feel cheated for us not being able to start our family yet.
Not 'real" labor, mind you, as I'm not even pregnant, but rather the fruits of my study labor. I started my summer Anatomy & Physiology II class today and it just so happens that this is the same professor I had for A&P I, so he had my final test score and semester grade available.
drum roll...I am one of only two students that earned an A in his course! Even better than that, the course is so difficult, a percentage of 87% or higher is awarded an A, and my final score was 93%!! My professor said it's been a long time since he's seen a score that would have earned an 'A' grade without the curve.
*beaming*
It sure would be nice if my husband were here to share it with me, though. :-(
Sweet! The score for the semester's test I was most worried about (Chem 121) was posted online today. I got 81%! That may not seem like an excellent score for me until you realize that Chemistry was my most difficult class this semester and that score was for the standardized test given to all Gen Chem students across the United States. I'm smarter than 80% of the students who took that test!
After my professor weighted it against the topics we didn't cover in class, I ended up with an even 90% on the final. I only needed a 78% on the final to earn an A, so the 90% brought me to a solid A for the class. I am so happy and Josh is so proud.
PS - Lest you think I got lucky in the class or don't know a difficult class when I see one, here is a letter of commendation given me by my Chemistry lab instructor. It's so nice when hard work pays off, and I worked my ass off in this class.
On the flip side, I got an A in my English class and I didn't do much in there. That class was ridiculously easy, which just goes to show that if someone tests out of a class, you shouldn't make them take it anyway, just for a stinking letter grade. I mean, if you test out of a class, shouldn't it be obvious you'd do well if you actually took it? I skated through that class and my professor still called me an exemplary student. What does that tell you about the work-ethic-less students that accompanied me to class everyday? I'm still bitter about CCSN wasting my time and money, grrrrr.
Most of you know that Dana is/was my 'favorite' brother - meaning we were the closest in age, in silliness, in interests, and in attitude. This is what I wrote about his death in my old blog. I miss him. I miss him a lot. I missed him the most on my wedding day. I'm really going to miss him when I have children that he won't be around to play with. But it generally hurts less and less as time passes.
