Thursday, January 15, 2009

So far not so good

I couldn't resist taking this video this afternoon and posting it here to show all y'all what a failure I am, even when I do let the kid cry himself to sleep. Granted, 40 minutes is a rarity, and yesterday afternoon he cried himself to sleep in 8 minutes (after the first 31-minute attempt failed), but I don't know that I'll ever let him go that long again. I'll probably revert back to my 15-minute limit because it breaks my heart to see him so sad.

Two nights ago, I stayed up until 1 am reading the Baby Wise book that my sister-in-law lent me but I never bothered picking up before now. I read more than half of it only to discover that Grayson's poor sleeping habits are all my fault. It's also my fault that he essentially snacks all day long and often needs to nurse before he can fall asleep. There are so many things I was supposed to do those first three months of his life and I botched every single one. Bad mommy! If only I'd had the energy or time to read the damn book, I'd have known about them and averted these months and months of suffering!

So, Mr. Ezzo, Dr. Bucknam...what does a perpetually exhausted mother do when she's already screwed up the first year of her son's life? Is he doomed to have ADHD? Do I have to finish the book or is the guilt brought on by the first half of the book sufficient?


If that meltdown doesn't kill you, looking at these eyes and listening to his residual gasps for air definitely will.


PS - On the bright side (or not)...I have no idea if Gray's sleeping through the night because I turned the volume on his monitor all the way down last night and the night before. If he's waking to eat or be comforted, he's figured it out on his own, because we don't hear him anymore. But sadly, I find myself waking up several times throughout the night anyway, thinking I hear him. I instantly check the monitor in a semi-panic, so even though I find he's sleeping just fine, it still takes me a bit to calm down and drift back to sleep. Oh, what I'd give for one, just ONE, night of nine consecutive hours of slumber - no interruptions (myself included). Will that day ever come again?

10 comments:

HKins said...

Wow! You're amazingly patient. I will never understand how mothers do all that they do. Don't beat yourself up about not having read the book. Every parent makes mistakes! Might as well make them in Grayson's first year and fix them then later yeah. Good luck. Seriously I'm in aww!

Katz said...

You are not a bad mommy! Every baby goes through the same thing, whether their parents have read Baby Wise or not. He'll figure it out soon enough.

And I still wake up and check the monitor at least twice a night.

superpaige said...

That's why I hate those books! They make you feel guilty for the things you didn't do, instead of giving you hope. Don't beat yourself up. You can still train him, now, if you can stand the crying. We had to let one fo our kids cry it out, and it was torture. But I promise, it gets easier. Really.

deidra said...

No use crying over spilled milk! And I can think of so many things that you do right with Grayson that it seems silly to be upset about this (but then again, I'm running on a full tank of sleep! ;-))

Melissa said...

Oh, that is so sad. I hate it when after they've been crying they do the little breathing thing, it breaks my heart! It does get better. It sucks at first, but it does get better. I wish it weren't so hard though! Good luck!

Cordova said...

A good way to look at it is they know exactly what they are doing.... they know if they cry long enough, mom will come in. He's got you figured out. They are smart little things. I've actually left a shopping cart full of groceries because one of my kids through a tantrum at the store. I warned him if he continued we would go home. He continued, so we went home. They haven't done it since. It was incredibly hard and uber embarrassing, but lessoned learned. And all the embarrassment and hardship paid off. You are an adorable mommy. He's lucky to have you. keep on keepin on mama! your doing good. The first one is always the one we learn on.

Cordova said...

Sorry.... Don't want to sound like I have it all figured out, cuz I definately don't. I remember this transition with Jaron. It was so hard, I've actually climbed into the crib with him to console him. Jason thought I had lost my mind. It's funny now. But you know Jaron... I think he's turning out pretty good, even if I did climb into his crib. Parenting is such a journey. whew, now that's it from me ~wink~

Jenise said...

Brings back memories. I have that book and stopped reading it shortly after I started because I decided that there is no text book answer to my kids' behavior. They may come close sometimes, but it is never consistently right. I know at least half, probably a lot more, of my stuggles with my kids are all my fault. But hey, that is what growing and learning is all about. And what works for one child does not mean it will work for another child.

Daisy Paige said...

UPDATE!

Grayson fell asleep nursing this morning at 11:13 am. I put him in his crib where he promptly woke up. I kissed him, told him "good night" and left the room. He finally cried himself to sleep at 12:29 pm. 1 hour, 16 minutes. Poor thing.

Is this really what I'm supposed to be doing? Baby Wise says yes, as do many of you, so I'm thinking it is, but I feel. so. guilty. about it.

Grayson, if you're reading this one day please know I love you and I'm trying to be the best mom I can.

Maureen said...

Don't do it because a book says to. Do it because you know it's the right thing for your baby. Letting a baby cry is hard especially when you're breaking life-long habits of nursing to sleep, etc. When Grayson becomes a toddler, check out my Childwise blog: http://childwisechat.wordpress.com. It's a parenting advice blog based on On Becoming Childwise, written by the same authors as Babywise. Good luck teaching your little one to sleep on his own!