Josh got home around 6pm from work last night and I had baby clothes scattered throughout the house. They were everywhere. They covered the sofa and love seat, some living room floor, our bed, the baby's crib, and the kitchen table. I inherited most of them from my sister's two boys, but got some nice new stuff at my shower as well, so I washed it all yesterday in preparation for the kid's arrival. I have lots o' clothes from newborn to six months that I want to keep available because I have no idea what's going to fit our little guy when he comes. That, and some stuff looks awfully teeny for the size listed on the tag.
Anyway, Josh looked around but didn't say anything. I cleared him a spot for his laptop on the coffee table and asked him when he thought we could refinish the dresser. Turns out the paint stripper we got recommends use in temperatures between 65-85 F. It hasn't been that warm here for at least three months! So I disappointedly agreed to just use the dresser as is for right now, and we'll refinish it later when it's warmed up outside. I'm going to clean it up as best I can today, but I can't help but be so sad that it's not going to look all fresh and new for the baby. I'm still going to look for some new hardware right now, though.
About an hour later, after he was done exercising, he came into the kitchen while I was making dinner and asked me how I thought things were coming along. I asked if he was talking about baby things or if I was missing something. Yes, he was talking about baby preparation...was there anything I wanted him to be doing that he wasn't? I told him no, because there really isn't, but then I got really quiet and tried to hold back my tears.
The truth is, I'm totally freaking out about being a mother. I haven't been scared or nervous to be pregnant at all. I almost like being pregnant. I'm not scared to go into labor and have the kid, either. But being pregnant and delivering a baby are not the same as having a baby. I can do the first two - I did a great job the first time around. But I chose not to take the baby home and dress her and feed her and bathe her and burp her and get up with her in the night and sooth her when she cries. I gave that responsibility to someone that not only wanted it, but was prepared to do it. All I had to do was heal up real quick-like and drown myself in school and work.
But now, every morning, I wake up and realize that this baby is going to be born in a few weeks and instead of going home with another family, he's going to come home with me and Josh. And we're going to be responsible for everything for him. And that scares me. Then I get worried that Josh isn't as scared as I am. And then I feel guilty because I'm more scared than excited, like I won't love the baby like I'm supposed to. And then I get worried again when everyone says my motherly instincts will kick in and I'll just 'know' what to do. Because...what if they don't kick in? And it's a whirlwind of emotions that I don't like to have but I can't seem to shake them, and I feel so overwhelmed when I look at all these little clothes and I wonder why it felt like such a good decision when we decided to stop trying to prevent pregnancy.
So, in response to his question, I tell my husband these things and he patiently listens to me and brings me tissues to wipe my cheeks and blow my nose. Then he offers to give me a blessing, and I accept. And even though I cried again today recapping these feelings and events, you need to know that as he used the Priesthood to bless me with strength of spirit and comfort at this time, I felt so much love from my Heavenly Father. It was like He calmed the emotional turmoil that had been consuming me for days. He gave me a sweet, gentle, reminder that I need to spend a little more time on my knees and a little less time in my head.
I am so incredibly grateful for Josh, for his wisdom, and for his worthiness. I don't know how to explain my simple love for him, but he is probably the greatest thing to have ever happened to me. This baby and I are so lucky to have him leading our family.